The Only Constant is Change

"The Only Constant is Change."

I've been thinking, today. I realize, right now, I'm probably the person with the most constant in my life right now. I've got a long-term boyfriend, a home of my own, a job I'm comfortable at, and a generally stable life.

The thing is....I know it won't last long. Not necessarily the stability, but how I see things right now. Everything is constantly changing and I don't even realize it.

When Lance and I were partying with Ronnie and Kasey or Derek and Mary every weekend, it was constant. We never missed a weekend. We always did the same things and had really great times. I took it for granted because I thought it would last forever. It didn't. Kasey got pregnant and winter came along destroying every one's party spirit.

I remember when Lance used to come over to my old apartment. We would walk around town for hours on end. We'd finally settle down at 3 or 4 am and watch Netflix. I never thought those days were going to end, but alas, they did.

I used to think that Charles and I would always be together. I felt as though we would continue going to college and doing the same crazy things with our friends every day for the rest of our lives. We did it everyday, it was expected. That changed too.

Things keep changing and they're completely different before you even know what hit you.

Even where I think I'm going never turns out anything like I expect.

Where I thought I would be now:

-When I was 13, I thought I would be dating someone I went to church with and in a four year college (minimum), living in the dorms.
-When I was 14, I thought I'd be some forever tortured soul that would at least be in college, probably not with anyone, just trying to get my shit straight, also, living in dorms.
-When I was 15, drinking with the same friends I had that year, probably living in dorms, but home in the summer. I'd be a math teacher.
-When I was 16, thought I would be engaged, in love, in beauty school.
-When I was 17, thought I would be one cool-ass burnout.
-When I was 18, I thought I would be the parent of a one year old baby. Living with Charles. Soon to be married. I figured my mother would be excited the new child in the family.
When I was 19, I thought I'd be in Festus going to beauty school, making something of life.

Where I actually am...no college. living on my own. great boyfriend. not engaged. not married. no baby.

Turns out past me was really bad at predicting the future.
I know before I know it I'll be in and out of college.
I'll be engaged, then married, then have a family.
Then I'll  be old, with grandchildren, and a book's worth of stories.

In any case, I'm going to show some old ass pictures of me, now.



In three years, I just want to be this girl.

How I Went From Bitch to Push-Over to Peace Maker

I’m going to get pretty deep down and personal today, guys and gals, so watch out.

I’m going to start today by traveling back in time to my childhood. I was an only child with very few friends. Actually, I only had two. There was my next door neighbor, Dale: a private school kid a year under me. I was older, but he was always smarter. Then there was Elizabeth, whose family slaughtered pigs in the front yard and I would come inside to see the head in the kitchen sink. I believe these were two were my only friends because I was a mean, power-hungry little kid. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to tell people what to do and when to do it. Dale took my shit because I was his next door neighbor and we were the only two kids close to our age in the neighborhood. Elizabeth took my shit because…well, I’m not entirely sure why, really, but she always did.  

I do remember once when a few kids closer to our age had actually moved onto our street. I didn’t know how to ride a bike, but they all did. So I made them ride their bikes around me while I twirled around with an umbrella, because I wanted to be the center of it all and I wanted the attention.

I guess that’s what it all came down to was the attention. I was a mean, power-hungry kid because I wanted the attention. I wanted people to listen to what I had to say because I didn’t feel I was listened to enough. I wanted people to do what I wanted them to do, because I wanted them to respect me and know who was in charge.

As I grew older, I realized that this was not a great way to make a lot of friends. Dale decided to move onto kinder people once he moved into my public school; In fact, he never spoke to me again once he transferred. Elizabeth, I ended up bailing out on once I realized she was crazier than me.

This sudden clarification of life hit me about 7^th grade. Then, I became a total pushover. Not quite the direction I had intended, but that was where it took me. I lost my balls because I wanted friends. Turns out, if you haven’t got any balls of your own, you just attract people who do. Those people will pull you by your tail and show you how those innocent victims you tortured so long felt.

This was when I met Audrey. She was a year or two younger than me, but that girl had balls. It was the summer after my 7^th grade year. I was constantly hanging out with Jenna and Audrey. Then it was just Audrey.

At this point in life, I had never had any guy show the slightest bit interest in me. Then, when I became a push-over and started hanging out with Audrey, I thought I had found the answer: Brian, Audrey’s older brother.

Turns out, he wasn’t the answer. He was just a teenage boy in desperate search for an easy lay. Guess what, guys and gals? He got it. You want to know why? No one ever told me “Don’t have sex or you’ll get pregnant and die.” Okay, so I may have heard the first part in that whole extremely awkward puberty video we had to watch in school, but no one actually sat down and talked to me about both the physical and emotionally consequences (So don’t forget to talk to your children about sex, parents! If you think it’s too early, it’s probably not.) That’s a whole terrible story and we won’t get into that, but I will say this. I had planned on saving sex until marriage, but in that past year of my life I had lost sight of so much I thought to be true that I think I had given up on myself, even.

Brian taught me a lovely lesson, though. Don’t get fucked over. He fucked me, found ways to avoid me, and never spoke to me again. For a girl that was planning on saving herself until marriage, this was a huge wake-up call. Life was getting real.

I learned a lot from that experience though. Once my eighth grade school year hit, I began to rebel. I didn't know exactly where I stood. I knew I wasn't in control, but I wasn't being taken advantage of my men or friends, either. I was incredibly lost that year, trying to find my place in the world. It wasn't until my freshman year when I found out where I stood.

 Never again did I let a man have that much control over me. I learned to spot a player from a mile away (ask anyone, I’ve got an eye for that). I know when a fella is being legit or just trying to get you for what is between your legs). He taught me to have some self-respect for myself and never let a man convince you to do anything you don’t want to.

After Brian, I changed. I wasn’t a push-over. I wasn’t an over-controlling bitch, either. I became extraordinarily smooth over the next year. I knew how to spot a fake and I knew how to play my own cards out. I got in a lot of shit over the next year, but no man ever messed with my heart. I’ve been broken up with twice over the last six years, both by men that I “dated” for less than a week. I never slept with them. I wouldn’t give them that leverage.

In fact, I went from psychotic bitch to complete pushover to peace maker. Turns out, the peace maker is a great medium. Everybody likes you. People can get pushy about wanting you on their side, but you just have to listen, keep your own opinions in, and do what you can do to get shit worked out.

Being the peace-maker is a lot like being the therapist of the group. I know this because I’ve done this many of times. When I was a freshman, I went to a New Years Party. It was me and five or so other people, two of whom were another couple. Well, we were walking to the apartment where we were going and the couple began fighting. By time we actually got inside the place and started with our celebrations, it had become a full fledged fight. Before I knew it, there was a bottle being smashed into the sink and glass in my arm. Naturally, the first thing you do is separate the fight. I sent the girl into one room and the guy into another. Weirdly enough, I wasn’t particularly close to either of these people, but everyone is a lot friendlier and open when they’re drunk. First, I went and talked to the guy and calmed his ass down with “I know very well how much she loves you” blah-blah bullshit. Whatever gets him to stop breaking bottles and gives me the full story. Naturally then I go to her, get the story from her. Tell her all the positives of his words to me and his worries that he was too afraid to share with her. Sometimes there needs to be a second talk with the fella, but it varies from situation to situation. This is all generally followed my “ Suddenly everyone gets all cuddle again and all is good in the world. The best part is, the peace maker is the one to thank.

This is a nice prequel for my soon to be blog post

COMING SOON: My Passion VS. My Day Job

(trust me, this post is a lot more necessary for it than you might believe. Originally this started out as "My Passion VS. My Day Job," then I got caught up in the back story.)

The Rules of Engagement

No, I'm not engaged. Don't let your minds run wild now.


It's supposedly going to be the end of the world in...an hour an a half or so. I'm blogging, so obviously I'm not too concerned. I did see that two new couples on facebook got engaged today, though. Crazy stuff! Guess the believe the world is ending tomorrow, so they had might as well make the promise of the rest of their lives today so they only have to be stuck with the idea of "being with someone for the rest of their lives" for one day and don't have to think about the fact that by doing so they will never be with another man/woman again.

I'm only particularly concerned about this in one case, because the girl is 18 and far too young to be getting engaged. She's just getting all excited about growing up and not really looking at how much longer she has to live and figure things out.

Getting engaged at 18 is so silly. You change alot from 18 to 21. I'm thinking back now to my eighteenth birthday.

At this time, I was living with my mother. I was getting my second tattoo. My first one without my mother having to sign. I was irresponsible with my money and did as I pleased. 18 year old me probably would have looked at me now and said "Cool hair, but what the hell happened to you?" I had little love for my family and a hate-filled heart. I was happy with my friends, but I felt miserable and lost even with the best of people around me. I've changed a lot since then. 

Six months after I turned 18, I found out I was pregnant. I believed my child's father was the love of my life and I would stay with him forever. We had a lovely relationship and we meshed so well.

Turns out, our relationship was built on extremely faulty grounds. I knew that at the time, but I didn't think it effected us later in the relationship. It did. We never passed the friend zone. We had a hard time saying "I love you" unless it wasn't in person. We had terribly communication skills. We were afraid to lose each other to other people all the time. We blamed it on our personalities and growing up in dysfunctional families. It was more than that, though. We worked out great together, but we would have been better never getting together and just sticking it out as friends.

It's been a little over 2 years since my eighteenth birthday. I can only imagine what the next two will bring or where they will take me. 

In any case, I've gotten a bit of subject.

Getting engaged, that's what this blog is supposed to be about.

There are a lot of things that people don't take into consideration when getting engaged that they should. If these are not things you think you and your partner can do or be, you should probably consider breaking it off, because as the famous Mrs. Barnes life tip says "Don't date anyone you don't see yourself marrying." More than likely, if you don't think you can be engaged to this person, you're probably not going to marry them.

• You have to be committed to get married, and to be committed, you must first be insane.--as said at a wedding I went to last summer. This is correct. The first and foremost thing in any good relationship is commitment. You can't be running after other girls or boys. You have to believe that your partner is the best choice for you and no matter how great someone else that prances along seems, you will not stray from that commitment in mind or body.
• Think about what your partner lacks in terms of what you had dreamt as being your "perfect mate." Are these things you are willing to live without for the rest of your life? If they're not, think twice about engagement. If your partner lacks a certain very important trait, are you willing to accept that? If not, you may resent them for it later.When you're with someone, you should not be with them to change them, but to love them for everything they are.
• Do you have similar plans for the future? Do you want to have children and he wants none? Does he want to travel, but you want to stay in your home town? Maybe you both want to have kids, but you want them at 22 and he doesn't want them until he's at least in his early 30's. Make sure to set these things straight before engagement. If you want different things out of life and are set on this, it's not worth it to try to stay together. Again, if one of you is stuck living the others dream, it can lead to resentment.
• Listen to those around you. If your friends and family hate him/her, it's probably not going to work. If this person cannot fit into your world, it is likely to ruin long term friendships or ties with your family. You will be stuck choosing between the people you've known all your life or the person you want to marry. This can cause a lot of distress in your life and put a lot of pressure on your partner.
• Take religion into consideration. If you are a full fledged christian and your partner is an atheist to the core, is this really going to work? Are you willing to respect their views? On the flip side, although you may both be agnostic now, are you willing to listen to your partner and respect him/her if she decides to get some faith and starts going to church every Sunday?
• Communication. Without communication, you have nothing in a relationship. If you aren't able to sit and talk things out, everyone gets stressed out. Either they build so much up that they eventually explode or they will find someone that will talk to them about their problems. This person will be someone they will later realize "I can really talk to this person about things. Maybe I'm not with the right person after all."
• Do you bring out the best in each other? Does she make you laugh? Did he teach you something you've always wanted to learn? Do you enjoy trying new things together? Does your partner seem enthusiastic about your interests or do they simply wish you'd just stop talking about them? Do you appreciate and love the things he does? 
• Consider how your partners body will change as s/he ages. Will you still love your partner if s/he gets fat? What about when s/he is old and gray? Will you still love your partner when she is going through menopause and acting psychotic? Will you still love him when he can no longer get it up?
• Consider your finances. Does she spend too much money on clothes when we need to pay the rent? Is he buying too many video games when electric is due in a week? Consider how much money you will be making and what you will be spending it on. Consider how much debt you have as a couple and how you are going to wipe that out. Consider how his/her credit score will effect bank loans, getting a house, or buying a car.
• How much do you love your him/her when s/he is in a bad mood? Are you willing to wake up to this person every single day for the rest of your life? Are you willing to kiss only his/her lips before bed each night and wake up to his/her face each morning? Are you willing to take the good days with the bad? In a relationship, if someone starts acting unreasonable, you can choose to walk away. When you marry, you're in it for the long run.

to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward until death do us part.

Remember, marriage is forever. There is divorce, but people should really stop looking at that as an option unless there is some sort of abuse. When you marry, you should consider all of these things listed above. If you believe all of these are completely true for you and your partner. Take the plunge. 

If not, reconsider.

Don't jump into it just because you want to grow up or because you want to have children and you believe getting married is the only way to go about doing that. Don't do it because you'd really like a wedding or it just seems extremely exciting. Get married because you truly believe that you don't want to live another day without your partner in your life.

If you liked this, you'll definitely want to check out the pros of being In A Relationship so you don't forget why it's so nice not to still be searching for that special fish in the sea.

One day at a time...

One day at a time is going to overwhelm me...once I get to the day I can't handle. It's going to give me a shock when I realize that everything and everyone around me has altered and I've just been sitting here trying to deal with it all.


I hope the first letter is one of many. I hope we still talk about eachother and not our lives. I hope this doesn't fall apart.

I'm feeling really really terrible today. I don't want things to chance for once.

The Missing Shoe



I had a strange dream last night. I've been having strange dreams these past two weeks, but this was different. All of my other dreams have made at least a little bit of sense without looking into them. I've had dreams about Charles leaving me. I've had dreams where the cops came back for me, where i was sitting in jail. I've had dreams that I gave into smoking again. I've had dreams that the cops caught me smoking again. I've had dreams about having crazy parties and getting caught. Everything...everything up until now has made at least a little bit of sense. Definitely not things that would likely happen, but still things that made at least a little sense for the situation I'm currently in.

Last night, I had a dream though. It was so bizarre. I went and bought 4 grams of pot because I was going to smoke that and be done. I went...somewhere out in the country. I couldn't tell you exactly where, but I fell asleep on the kitchen floor there. I woke up and one of my shoes was gone. I already knew someone had taken it. I walked outside and some chick (I originally typed bitch, and I usually only use the term "some bitch" when it's someone I really despise. One person comes to mind, but using names isn't nice and that girl wasn't the girl in my dream) had my shoe. One strange thing about this is that it wasn't a shoe I have ever worn...I couldn't even tell you what kind of shoe it was, just that they were red high tops. I'm not sure why her taking my shoe made me so very angry, but it did. Her and Adam hopped into a truck and ran off.

I'm not sure how I found them after that, but I did. They were at the home of the teacher I used to cadet teach for. His kids were there, but for some reason I just didn't care. That bitch was there, and I was furious that she had taken my shoe while I was sleeping (when I woke, I realized I never once gave a shit whether someone had taken my pot while I was sleeping). Her and I duked it out. I got in some damn good punches and so did she. I remember pinning her up against a wall and just beating the shit out of her. I remember bashing her in the face and her falling to the ground, too. I don't remember her hitting me at all, but I know she did. In fact, I remember it being a pretty even fight. I'm not really even sure who won. I don't know if the dream just ended or if my alarm clock ruined the ending.

In any case, when I woke up, I couldn't quit thinking about it. I'm not a violent person, nor have I ever been. I've never been in a fight and I can only think of two situations where I've even been close to that angry and they were both very serious situations. I couldn't get past that. It stood out to me that I was so pissed at this chick for taking my shoe. I'm still not sure if I completely buy into this "dream meaning" thing, but when I look things up, they seem to fit. Then again, it's not hard to make things fit, like daily zodiac stuff. Dreams may be a little different. Anyway, when I got on http://www.dreamoods.com/, I searched for shoe. I didn't find anything too specific, but this is the closest I could find.

In general, shoes represent your approach to life. Wearing shoes in your dream, suggests that you are well-grounded or down to earth.It also represents your convictions about your beliefs. If you are changing your shoes, then it refers to your changing roles. You are taking a new approach to life.

Obviously, my approach to life has changed a good bit. I wanted to move out on my own and make it with someone, even if it was a friend. I didn't want to live alone. Being alone scares the living hell out of me, usually. Sometimes, I wish I still lived with my mom now that Charles is gone. As for being well grounded, maybe one of my shoes being stolen means this: I was well grounded and then someone just came and sort of ripped that away from me without warning or anything. I think only one of my shoes were gone because I haven't completely lost grip. Thanks to the help of some good friends, I've been able to keep sane. I'm trying my best to keep optimistic about all of this and I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground instead of completely losing it and falling into a place I don't want to be. I didn't really change shoes, but a shoe was gone. I think that sort of means that things are changing even though I'm trying to keep them the same. The shoe was stolen, I had no option about it all.

To dream that your shoelaces are untied, indicate that you are unprepared for some task at hand.

My dream had nothing to do with shoelaces, but I think the same rules apply if my shoe is completely gone. I'm unprepared to walk the path that I need to.

If this meaning stuff is real, it makes alot of sense why I was so angry. I am angry. It's my fault, but my life really was ripped away from me. I'm not going to blame it on anyone else or anything. My life, my decisions, but I've always been a person to act without thinking of consequences. That's why me and my friends stayed the night with a random guy in a town we stumbled into even though he could've killed every single one of us while we were sleeping. That's part of the fun.

It's like jumping off of a big cliff into the water below. You never really know if it's safe. You could forget how to swim. You could lose yourself in the darkness and start swimming down instead of up. You could lose all your air and have to breathe in the water. You could hit rocks, lose conciousness. Anything could bring you to death in an instance, but hey, the risk is always half of the fun. I'm actually not sure that applies in this case, but in life it usually does. In any case, I think i've made sense of it all...or well, the important parts.