Thursday, February 19, 2015

This February Darkness Has Me Hating Everyone

It's been nearly four months since I last wrote and I can't seem to recall where all the time has gone.

This evening, a song popped into my head. It's the same song that I have found myself quietly singing to myself every time I feel lonely in February for the last nearly decade now. Silverstein's "Call It Karma" always brings me a strange sort of peace. Maybe it's because it's been one of the few songs I've still held on to from the time before even high school problems became a thing. I feel as though the lyrics are hitting me harder than ever this year, though.

So what have I been doing these last four months?

I got roommates. Lance's brother, his fiance, and their (almost) two year old daughter moved in with us early November. As a person that swore she'd never live with someone she wasn't dating, it's definitely been an interesting experience. At this point, I think I have very few remarks on the matter as it's been one emotional roller coaster that I'm not entirely sure I've processed yet. The one thing that I have definitely gathered from this experience is that children of my own are not something I want in my future.

I've been listening to a lot of Z107.7 and Ghost; It's a strange combination, I know. I've really been digging Coheed and Cambria's Ascension and Descension dual album again, too.

I started working overnights on the weekends at Rhodes. That's been a real trip. When you work the same shift on the same days every week, regulars become a lot more recognizable and they like to get to know you. Also, I get a lot of drunken assholes and I've decided when I get the pick-up line "Where have you been all of my life?" I'm going to respond with "probably in high school." I look young enough to pull it off for now.

I've been struggling with the typical 22-year old questions. Where will I be in five years? Will what I'm doing now even matter then? How on Earth am I going to get back to college working forty hours a week? Should I be concerned about how much money I spend on booze? How can I make this weekend epic? Yo, where my friends at?

I finally went to the tattoo shop to get my first tattoo in over three years: a moon.

Why? It's a reminder of this very point in my life with overnights and the chaos that has been everything that I am as of late. It's a reminder that life is constantly changing from day to day, even if the progression is slight, but alas things don't tend to change as much as you think and life tends to keep going in one vicious cycle.

I bought a laptop, too. It's much nicer than trying to do all of my online activities on a desktop from the stone age.

I've had a lot of time for self discovery and with that I feel as though I only have 100 more questions to ask than I did before. So, in short, I've been just kind of living. I'll be back as a frequent blogger soon enough once I figure out the answers to at least a few more of life's questions.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Turned 21

10. You're going to feel the need to make a major change over the course of the next year. Don't do something crazy like break off your relationship (unless you're legitimately unhappy) or pick up shoplifting. Instead, cut/dye your hair or pick up a hobby like collecting something or something artsy.

9. You will drink far too much alcohol in the year you are 21. In fact, you will drink so much you're legitimately terrified to check what percent of your monthly finances goes to booze.

8. Invest in a camera. There will be a lot of nights you won't remember and you'll want photographic evidence to the stories your friends tell you the next day about the things you did. While You're at it, invest in either a scrapbook or photo album. Most of the photos you'll take should never be introduced to the internet, but you'll want to keep them for yourself.

7. Your friends will more than likely seperate into three groups. You'll have the Occasionally Partiers who will throw a lot of summer bonfires and have big shindigs where they invite like 20 people. These friends will only call you up 3-4 times during the colder months for smaller shindigs inside. You'll have a set of friends that are always down to drink. You will share a lot of good memories with these friends just getting drunk, playing games, and having conversations about life and the world. Sometimes you will get sloppy drunk with these people and sometimes you will just have a few beers and just bullshit, but there is always alcohol involved. Finally, you'll have two or three friends who you actually do normal human things with not under the influence of alcohol. If these are people who don't drink, you'll likely hardly ever see them. If they do drink, you'll have sober times and drunk times together and you'll see them pretty fucking often. These are more than likely the friends you've had for at least 5+ years.

6. You will quickly learn what time the bars and local liquor stores. You will also learn what time Wal-Mart Stops selling. You'll also have a rude awakening when you realize that they stop selling alcohol earlier on Sundays (and some states don't sell at all on Sundays).

5. It will take you awhile to figure out what alcohols affect you in what ways and this will determine what your general drink of choice is. I learned wine makes me honest and angry and beer makes me want to make new friends when I drink enough of it. I also learned that Mad Dog is so easy to drink, but you'll be drunk in no time at all. I learned that Steele Reserve and Earthquake will make me black out after a beer or two and then I'll more than likely pass out on the floor. You'll play a lot of fun drinking games while trying to figure all of this out.

4. Being intoxicated removes your filter. You will curse a lot more, you will say things that would never come out of your mouth sober, and you will be 100% honest with not even the slightest regard for someone's feelings. I feel like I've helped this a bit for setting up drunk rules for myself while still sober. Generally these include: 1. Don't talk to girls you don't know. You will compliment them, then have 20 minute conversations with them and if they're not as drunk as you, they will probably think (know) you're hitting on them and will label you a total creep. 2. Don't say anything negative about anyone. Your filter is gone and more than likely you will run into this person in public and you're just creating bad vibes. 3. Avoid giving dirty looks when someone you don't like says anything or someone you aren't insanely fond of says something you don't like. You're drunk and you don't notice when people are giving dirty looks, but others are sober and will see them clear as day. Just don't give dirty looks, period.

3. You'll probably make some (or a lot) of poor decisions under the influence of alcohol. You will say mean things. You will do things you know you shouldn't. You'll cry for silly reasons in public. You'll try to relate to people on situations you cannot relate to at all. You'll tell your life story and get into details you really should just not. You'll try to hit on people that will not be interested. You'll test bounderies. You'll get in a lot of trouble...and you should never just blame it on being drunk. Bad idea. Just try to avoid all of this if at all possible.

2. If you drink where it is publicly allowed, you will talk to a lot of strangers. You'll find yourself approaching strangers to let them know they have nice hair, they make a nice couple, or just because they seem like they may be cool. Some of these people will become your best friends for the night. Some of them will think you're a complete creep and do anything and everything to avoid you from here on out. A lot of times, you will not remember these folks and will wake up to friend requests on facebook thinking "Who the fuck is this?!" or these people will see you in another public setting weeks from now and call you by name. You will not remember their face, their name, or what conversations you may have had with them in your intoxicated state.

1. You will stumble into 22 feeling like the only similarity you share with your 20 year old self is the skin you live in.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

On My Year of Being a 21-Year-Old

In 19 short days, the official age will have come to an end and I'll be turning 22. I always knew being 21 would be kind of nuts, but I hadn't quite prepared for everything this year would bring for me.

On my 21st birthday, I went out for my first legal drink and in the past 346 days, I've probably consumed hundreds of gallons of booze.

It's been the craziest of years. On my 21st birthday, I got my mom drunk and we got to have the heart to heart we probably needed. I got everyone I ran into at the bar to sign my "Here for the Beer" shirt and man did I get a lot of free beer.

Since then, life has been an intense roller coaster. I've made a lot of new friends and I've fallen from a lot of people who I thought I would be close to forever because we just became different or they found a reason not to like me through my adventures of being 21.

I got back in touch with a few old ones though, at least for a short time period.

I've made a lot of poor decisions as a result of drinking, but I've made leaps and done things I would have never done sober that led me to meet new people and have some fun experiences. On the other side of things, It's also given me a lot of nights I don't properly remember. Good thing I usually keep my camera on hand to remind me what the hell happened.

I got engaged two months after I turned 21 to the love of my life. We celebrated our three year anniversary just about a month ago.

I managed to aquire two more cats within this last year. I mostly quit smoking and started vaping instead. I cut off all my hair and learned to convince people I'm a lesbian to avoid men hitting on me at the bar.

Lance and I finally got out of Accent after him being there for four terrible years and having two years under my belt. He started a great job with Charter (where I've gotten to drive to IL and stay in a hotel with him for multiple days) and I am officially employed with my favorite gas station right around the corner from my house.

It's been one hell of a year. I'm sure it won't be nearly as crazy, but I'm excited to see what 22 will bring for me.

I really want to give a special thanks to Lancelot (who has been there and a total sweetheart despite all the poor decisions I've made), Dani (because we've been friends for 8 years and we've finally just gotten ridiculously close), Adam (for having drunken girl talk nights I so desperately needed), and Mike and Ricky (my Autumn Creek apartment Bros who are always down for a drinking night). You guys all kick ass. Thanks for making this year 100x better.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

10 Things I've Learned from Working at a Gas Station

I've been working at Rhodes 101 for almost four weeks now and there are a lot of things I've learned and realized working at a gas station. I'm here to give you just a few. Some will happen to everyone, others will only happen to some of you.

1. People want good customer service, but they don't want you to be too happy.
I used to work overnights at a gas station (for a very short period of time) and people actually complained to my boss that I was "too peppy" in the mornings. I'm a happy person and see no reason to be negative with people who haven't been a complete ass to me.  Plus, 4 a.m. meant my shift was almost over. I thought this was just an overnight thing, but it turns out people still get pissy in the afternoon. I've been at Rhodes for less than a month and I've already had three or four people tell me "You are way to happy" to my face.

2. Men give no fucks who is in the bathroom with them as long as they're sure their dick is covered.
At Rhodes, we do not close the bathrooms when they are being cleaned which means that when I go to clean the men's bathroom it's a complete pain in the ass because for every dude that comes in there while I'm cleaning, I just need to get the fuck out until they are done. In the (less than) month that I have been there, I cannot even count how many times I've heard someone walk in while I was cleaning and said "Give me two seconds and I'll be out of here." and while I'm gathering my cleaning supplies, they say "okay," and then continue to walk into the stall or up to the urinal and start pissing anyway while I'm still in there. It's just incredibly awkward and I am not fan.

3. Young women don't want anyone to hear them pee.
When anyone under the age of 30 comes into the bathroom when I'm cleaning the women's bathroom, they immediately say "I'm sorry" and walk right back out. Even if I catch them in time to say "It's fine, just use the one I'm not cleaning," they always just say they'll wait.

4. Older women have no shame GIANT dump while you're trying to clean the other stall.
They walk in, don't even acknowledge that I'm there, and proceed to walk in to the nearest stall and let a big one rip followed by intense shit hitting water. My God, I always have to go spray after they do this.

5. Some people actually tip gas station workers.
It's usually people that are coming through drive through, but I didn't even realize this was a thing. The other day, I had someone buy a soda for $1.25, give me $2, and told me to keep the change. Usually people don't worry about the pennies, but when it comes to nickels, dimes, and quarters, people still give that shit up. It's kind of awesome.

6. People are extremely surprised if you have tattoos and they see them outside of your job.
We aren't allowed to have any tattoos showing at the gas station. I had a once a day customer come in the other day after I got off work and stop me to talk to me. He told me that he had seen me at Wal-Mart with all my tattoos showing and almost didn't recognize me. He was very kind and complimented them and told me about how he couldn't get them and why. It was an interesting experience.

7. People ask for directions at gas stations A LOT.
Considering we have very few men working at Rhodes, this one kind of makes me laugh a lot. Everyone someone asks me where something is, I always have the urge to say "You're asking a woman for directions. What are you thinking?" Instead I usually grab one of my coworkers and see if they might know where it is. 

8. If you have a non-conservative look to you, the drugees will try to connect with you.
You all have seen my hair. It's shaved extremely short on one side and completely on the back and I only have bangs. Meth heads tend to compliment my hair, talk about their own hair/piercings, and then get pissed off that we don't take food stamps. Ugh.

9. People hate breaking $100 bills at gas stations.
They worry so much about whether we can break it or not. Before I worked at Rhodes, I hated breaking $100 at gas stations too. Unless you have caught us right after we cashed out the drawer, we probably have change for it. If we don't have the 20's, you might just have a few more ten dollar bills than expected. Hey, at least you feel less bad about breaking 10's than 20's, right?

10. A good amount of people will hit on you. Some of them will be attractive, most will not.
In my four weeks working there, I have not had a single attractive person hit on me, but I got invited to a labor day party where they bought enough beer to get an army drunk. So that was cool. Otherwise, It's usually just super old creepy guys that haven't gotten laid in ages.

So folks, this is what I have learned in my month of working for a gas station. I'm sure I'll have some more crazy stuff for you later, so keep updated.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Social Media, Man.

Snapshat seems so, you're pretty much just sending people pictures of you and what you're doing. That seems so bizarre to me. I've been told I don't "get it" because I'm in a long term relationship, but from what I've heard that its pretty much a way to get single ladies to send you nude pictures since you can't "save" the pictures. Screenshot does exist on phones these days, ladies.

I guess I can't say much. I'm on instagram which is basically the same thing, but to everyone, so I'm not getting those dirty pictures out and about. I mostly post pictures I'm proud of following the previous five of my cats.

Social media is just weird in general. Think about those words: Social Media.

The definition on is "websites and other online means ofcommunication that are used by large groups of people to share information and to develop social and professional contacts." However, when we look at the words apart... Social: "seeking or enjoying the companionship ofothers" and media "the means ofcommunication, as radio and television, newspapers, and magazines, that reach or influence people widely." Basically, what I'm getting at is social media is kind of....weird.

Those last five words of the definition of media, "reach or influence people widely," stand out to me most. When it comes to social media, we share the moments that we want others to see. We share the party pictures, visiting important momuments, summer adventures, and the moments that make us and our sigificant other seem flawless. The people on your facebook, twitter, instagram, and whatever else is out there...they don't see the moments you were crying in the bathroom because your crush was paying more attention to some other girl more than you, when you got lost on the way to said monument and almost cried because unfamiliar places scare the living hell out of you, when you got too drunk to make it to the toilet to vomit and puked all the way down the hallway, or that big fight that you and you're S.O. got into when you were being a complete bitch at the party and didn't realize because you were too fucked up to function.

When I drink, I become sort of a facebook stalker (don't judge me). I'll scroll through my updates like we all do and think to myself, "I wonder what they're up to." Then I tend to go to their page, look through they're updates from the last three months, go through their pictures, and see what their work/relationship history has been in the last 6 months. Often, I find myself jealous at first. "Look at the parties they've been going to; They look like a riot." "Man, they've been together for 3 years and they still like they love each other to no ends and couldn't stand to spend 5 minutes without each other."

Then I step back and distance myself for a moment and look at my own Facebook profile. Then I realize "Holy shit, They're no better off than I am." When you look at my profile, it seems like I have had no bad moments in the last..several years. I have pictures of good times at the bar, house parties, small shindigs, perfect photos of Lancelot and I going on adventures, and updates that depict how great life is going for me.

Don't get me wrong. Lancelot and I get into fights about who is going to clean the litter box, I've been the girl crying in the bathroom, and financial situations haven't always been the easiest on us. When I look back on it all though, I realize I'm one lucky lady. Lancelot and I hardly ever fight, I'm always making new friends, and I get the opportunity to have spontaneous fun experiences more than most.

 So, I advise you, next time you use some form of social media, don't judge you're life by it. Everyone has their struggles and their bad moments, but no one ever takes photos of those; If they do, hardly anyone is cruel enough to actually post them. What you see online is not what actually what's going on, it's the very best of it.

As 90's kids, we expect so much more from life because the internet has tought us that. Don't use that as discouragement, use it to make something bigger and better than everything you've seen. Go to college, travel, make a difference. Don't sit around taking pity on yourselves. Use it as inspiration to make the things you see online everything you can (and hopefully will) be in your lives.

I wish the best of luck to all of you!

Friday, August 29, 2014

I Never Even Knew...

Four years ago, I uploaded all of the pictures from my spontaneous trip to Illinois with friends.

It's really bizarre to look at now. Four years ago, I would have never guessed I'd be where I am now.

Back then, I loved my hair and never thought I'd chop it all off. I don't think I could have even pictured living in my own place with a fella or having pets of my very own. I didn't think that by now Hunts would be something that layed three years in my past or that I wouldn't even associate with the people I loved so much then. I believe I pictured my life as being a non-stop spontaneous trip where I drove where I wanted and partied with strangers every weekend.

As fantastic as that life is so much better than that right now. I'm almost 22 and I could have never imagined to be in the wonderful place I am right now. I chopped off all my hair (because "aint nobody got time for that"), I'm engaged to the best man in the world, I have friends that get me way more, and I have four lovely cats and no children. =)

Some things will never change, though. I will always love my B.A.D. friends and my tattoos will never leave me.

Swimming will always be the best and I'm a big fan of making friends with strangers when I'm drunk...because you never know, they might give you free beer.

I never thought I'd quit cigarettes and I never knew that beer would be my drink of choice. I never realized bonfires would become a thing and friends in the same apartment complex would be the best ones I would ever know.

So for all of you who have accompanied me on this wonderful journey, I thank you. You all are pretty much the best. Thanks so much! 

Monday, August 18, 2014

A New Beginning with a Blast Into the Past

I haven't been much into blogging lately, life has been so hectic. I figured there's no time better than now, though. I'm home alone for the next five days with four cats and no fiance.

Today, Lancelot and I embarked on our new journeys for a better life. Mine included taking a stroll down the street to my favorite gas station to finally get a look behind the counter and Lance's path is taking a 5 day trip to Illinois for training with Charter Communications. I'm so proud of him.

I'm so happy we're both out of Accent. Every single day was a struggle and left us so emotionally drained that we weren't able to make room for happiness in our lives. With our jobs now, I'll only see Lancelot about 50% of the time I was seeing him then (if not less), but I think overall we will be happier.

It's bizarre to think of where we were a year ago. I had just hit my one year mark at Accent and Lance was coming up on his three year mark. We were finally in an apartment with our kitties and we were still working on losing the weight we had put on in the beginning of our relationship. I still had long hair and so did Lance.

It's so insane to think this was a full year ago. Things have changes so much since then. Eight months ago, Lancelot and I got engaged. At that time, we spent every minute of every day together between work and home time. They only times we were apart were hidden in our seperate sleep schedules. 

Today is the first day of our new jobs. Lance left at 6:00 this morning and coming home to an empty apartment was a terribly sad moment. I'm glad my cats are more than happy to keep me company.

Things seem so strange, now. I'm having flashbacks to that time I lived alone. I walked home from work to an apartment that felt too cold even though the thermostat was set at 82 degrees in the middle of summer. The fridge looks like a high school student stocked it and the only sounds I will hear is the pitiful meow of our cats reminding me that I forgot to feed them this morning before work. 

The only thing I hold onto during these times is the feeling of being awake when the rest of the world is asleep and the hopes that when I lie down to sleep that the nightmares will not invade my dreams saying "He's never coming home."

I'm ready for Lance to be back, already. I want him to hug me and tell me that these trainings won't last forever. I want him here so I know he's safe from all the crazy drivers out there and not dead in a ditch from a hit-and-run. 

Can I sleep the next five days, please?

Friday, June 6, 2014

I Have Loved You for 1,000 Days

A 1,000 days ago...

I kissed this lovely fella. I can't believe this photo was taken only months after the night we first kissed. It was our first Christmas together. 

It's been two years, eight months, and 27 days. Oh boy, wow!

I really can't imagine what it would be like without this wonderful fella in my life. I mean, he's so fantastic. I could easily name 100 things I love about him.

He was the person who finally helped motivate me to get he body I always wanted.

When he goes to Wal-Mart without me (if I'm dying my hair or just don't feel like going) he sometimes surprises me with a candy bar when he gets back.

He's doing everything he can to actually get me to quit smoking, not because he hates the smell or the smoke bothers him, but because he wants me to live a long and happy life with him.

He has such big, beautiful, blue eyes and is almost always down to do something creative (like paint) with me when I ask.

We've spent many days and nights sitting on our balcony together listening to music, drinking, or just talking about anything and everything.

He's always interested in trying new things with me. When I first started crocheting, he learned too; He crocheted a scarf and then realized it wasn't really his thing. He tried it out though because 1.) It's cool as shit and 2.) I really dig it.

He helped cut my hair when I needed a change and he teaches me new things all the time (whether it be about vaping or the universe).

It's been almost three years now that Lance and I have been together. A lot can change in that time and  three years ago, I didn't really believe this is where we would be now. I still can't believe this man actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me and we're engaged. I still can't believe that in three years we will be moving out of state together and starting our big-league adventures.

I can't even begin to stress what a positive influence this wonderful man has been on my life. I can definitely tell you that I would be in no way the person I am if it weren't for him. Each and every day he helps me become a better and happier person.

Thank you so much, Lancelot. You are the love of my life and I can't wait until the day I get to marry you.