Monday, August 18, 2014

A New Beginning with a Blast Into the Past

I haven't been much into blogging lately, life has been so hectic. I figured there's no time better than now, though. I'm home alone for the next five days with four cats and no fiance.

Today, Lancelot and I embarked on our new journeys for a better life. Mine included taking a stroll down the street to my favorite gas station to finally get a look behind the counter and Lance's path is taking a 5 day trip to Illinois for training with Charter Communications. I'm so proud of him.

I'm so happy we're both out of Accent. Every single day was a struggle and left us so emotionally drained that we weren't able to make room for happiness in our lives. With our jobs now, I'll only see Lancelot about 50% of the time I was seeing him then (if not less), but I think overall we will be happier.

It's bizarre to think of where we were a year ago. I had just hit my one year mark at Accent and Lance was coming up on his three year mark. We were finally in an apartment with our kitties and we were still working on losing the weight we had put on in the beginning of our relationship. I still had long hair and so did Lance.

It's so insane to think this was a full year ago. Things have changes so much since then. Eight months ago, Lancelot and I got engaged. At that time, we spent every minute of every day together between work and home time. They only times we were apart were hidden in our seperate sleep schedules. 

Today is the first day of our new jobs. Lance left at 6:00 this morning and coming home to an empty apartment was a terribly sad moment. I'm glad my cats are more than happy to keep me company.

Things seem so strange, now. I'm having flashbacks to that time I lived alone. I walked home from work to an apartment that felt too cold even though the thermostat was set at 82 degrees in the middle of summer. The fridge looks like a high school student stocked it and the only sounds I will hear is the pitiful meow of our cats reminding me that I forgot to feed them this morning before work. 

The only thing I hold onto during these times is the feeling of being awake when the rest of the world is asleep and the hopes that when I lie down to sleep that the nightmares will not invade my dreams saying "He's never coming home."

I'm ready for Lance to be back, already. I want him to hug me and tell me that these trainings won't last forever. I want him here so I know he's safe from all the crazy drivers out there and not dead in a ditch from a hit-and-run. 

Can I sleep the next five days, please?

Friday, June 6, 2014

I Have Loved You for 1,000 Days

A 1,000 days ago...

I kissed this lovely fella. I can't believe this photo was taken only months after the night we first kissed. It was our first Christmas together. 

It's been two years, eight months, and 27 days. Oh boy, wow!

I really can't imagine what it would be like without this wonderful fella in my life. I mean, he's so fantastic. I could easily name 100 things I love about him.

He was the person who finally helped motivate me to get he body I always wanted.

When he goes to Wal-Mart without me (if I'm dying my hair or just don't feel like going) he sometimes surprises me with a candy bar when he gets back.

He's doing everything he can to actually get me to quit smoking, not because he hates the smell or the smoke bothers him, but because he wants me to live a long and happy life with him.

He has such big, beautiful, blue eyes and is almost always down to do something creative (like paint) with me when I ask.

We've spent many days and nights sitting on our balcony together listening to music, drinking, or just talking about anything and everything.

He's always interested in trying new things with me. When I first started crocheting, he learned too; He crocheted a scarf and then realized it wasn't really his thing. He tried it out though because 1.) It's cool as shit and 2.) I really dig it.

He helped cut my hair when I needed a change and he teaches me new things all the time (whether it be about vaping or the universe).

It's been almost three years now that Lance and I have been together. A lot can change in that time and  three years ago, I didn't really believe this is where we would be now. I still can't believe this man actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me and we're engaged. I still can't believe that in three years we will be moving out of state together and starting our big-league adventures.

I can't even begin to stress what a positive influence this wonderful man has been on my life. I can definitely tell you that I would be in no way the person I am if it weren't for him. Each and every day he helps me become a better and happier person.

Thank you so much, Lancelot. You are the love of my life and I can't wait until the day I get to marry you.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Annabel Lee

This is one of my favorite poems by Edgar Allen Poe. I've never really been able to say why, but I absolutely adore it.

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea,
But we loved with a love that was more than love—
I and my Annabel Lee—
With a love that the wing├Ęd seraphs of Heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,
Went envying her and me—
Yes!—that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we—
Of many far wiser than we—
And neither the angels in Heaven above
Nor the demons down under the sea
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea—
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

fun fact: This was actually the poem read by "Miss Kathryn 'Kissin' Kate' Barlow" to her students in Holes.

Friday, May 16, 2014

No Smoking

Within the last few months, many of my friends have moved to "vaping" instead of smoking. When they spoke about it, I swore up and down they had more will power than I did and there's no way that this "vaping" was really going to help.

A couple of weeks ago, Lance and I got back in touch with our summer friend, Noah and he gave us more information. Since I felt like Noah had always smoked more than I did, and he had pretty much completely quit, I decided it was worth a try to actually try this out.

Not even a week ago, I ordered and MVP and went to the local vapor store to get some juices.

It's been 48 hours since I received my MVP and I've only smoked three cigarettes.

Considering in a normal two day period, I would have already smoked about a pack and a half of cigarettes (30 cigarettes, total), I consider this a pretty big accomplishment. The best thing is that I haven't wanted to pull my hair whilst making this big life change (like I have previously with other attempts to quit smoking).

Now, don't get me wrong. This is no miracle device. The juice does still have nicotine in it. The game plan at this point is to slowly reduce nicotine levels until I can get down to 0 nicotine juices, then probably stop vaping at some point.

So, after four years, I'm finally taking the first real step to quitting smoking. I've already seen a dramatic improvement and I'm thrilled to start getting taste buds back and being able to smell again. Most of all, I'm excited not to smell like a walking ashtray.

So for all of those who pushed me to vaping instead of smoking (especially Lancelot), I want to thank you so much. I needed the push and I'm excited where this is leading me.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

I wish I was a Cat

I wish I was a cat.

Cats don't have to work at stressful jobs.
Cats don't even have to worry about money for rent.
Cats can sleep all day or be awake all day. No one cares.
Cats can't make stupid decisions that disappoint people.

If a cat gets knocked up, it's not really their problem.
They just push those babies out and see what happens.

Cats don't worry much.
Cats don't have to make difficult choices.
Their owners encourage them to get high (catnip).
Cat's don't have to worry about awkward situations.
Cats don't have long term commitments, like a two year cell phone plan.

Cats can lie in the sun all day.
Cats don't have to worry about their weight.

I wish I was a cat.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Just Because Everything is Changing Doesn't Mean It's Never Been This Way Before

Those of you who are friends with me on facebook know that on April 9th I dyed my hair black with full intention of keeping it black for a minimum of six weeks.

I didn't quite take into consideration at that time that Spring was right around the corner and things were about to change. Tomorrow will be three weeks into my six week challenge, and since I'm halfway through, I'm dying half of my hair (that's how it works right?).

You see, ever since I started dying my hair in high school, It's been all about doing it when times change. When things start to change a lot or get chaotic, girls have to change something and my something is my hair.

Spring is always a crazy time. Lance and I break free from our winter hold (which pretty much consists of us being hermits and people thinking that we might literally hibernate during this time since we have no contact with the outside world).
By the looks of how Spring is going thus far, I can tell the next few months of warm weather are going to be like no year before. Lance is yet again introducing me to more and more people he's known for years that I've somehow only met briefly in our nearly three years together. I've reconnected with an old friend that has had a tendency to disappear and reappear throughout the six years I've known him, yet always talk to me like it's only been a couple of days since we last spoke.

 Soon enough, Lance and I will be reuniting with a disc golf buddy from last year and will spend many of our days out at Engler trying to avoid throwing our discs into any kind of lake or hitting any children that might be at near a goal. 

This is finally my summer to be 21. There will be so much drunken adventures it's going to be pretty ridiculous. Thank God I finally got a camera last month to get all these pictures since my memory might slack on the job.

And on a darker note, The first death of a person I knew personally from high school happened just a few days ago. I've been given the funeral times, but I kind of think I'd rather just remember him how I do instead of seeing what used to be him.

None the less, Spring has Sprung and life is changing once again. So, my hair is changing and the adventures will keep happening.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

You never know the last time you’ll see someone, so give them all of your love

It's bizarre to think that that time at Wal-Mart in the video game section is the last time I'll ever see you. We spoke briefly and said we needed to hang out sometime when you came back to Missouri this next time around.

I'm glad I'll be able to remember you fondly, at least.

When we went on the Chicago band trip, you hung out with me the entire time. We ventured away from everyone else to check out the cool stained glass and we even got to meet one of the guys from the Blue Man Group.

I remember we went to McDonalds on The Pier and there were pigeons everywhere. You kept chasing them around trying to feed them your fries. I don't know what we were thinking back then.

When we got out of high school, you stuck around for awhile. You were at the very first party I had at my very first apartment. We used to hang out on a weekly basis.

The last real memory I have with you is from Summer of 2011. I was living alone and at a pretty dark point in life. You texted me at 10:00 am and told me you were having a pretty shitty day yourself and we should drink. We went to Wal-Mart and bought a bottle of whiskey. We came back to my apartment, busted out the shot glasses, put Across the Universe in the DVD player and sat down on my couch. We decided we would do a shot every time they started a new song. I swear, I don't know how we even made it 20 minutes into the movie. We got so drunk so quickly. I remember getting distracted from the movie and just laughing and talking about life trying to catch when the song changed to take our next drink. We ended up passing out on the living room floor until that evening. When we woke up, you went home.

It's insane to think that is the last memory I will have with you. I'll hold it dear, though. Thanks for all the good times, sir. I'm lucky to have had you in my life.

Friday, April 18, 2014

30 Day Challenge Failure.

I pretty much failed out on my 30 day challenge.

There' just been a lot going on.
Lance and I are starting to go out more due to the weather getting nicer.
We're working on dieting and exercising again.

I finally got a camera and I've been trying to go out and get more pictures.
So, It's been extremely hectic lately. 
I'll probably pick my challenge back up next month when I hopefully have a bit more time.

In the mean time, here's a few pictures of what's been going on.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Let's Talk Family

Today is Day 11 of my 30 Day Challenge.
Today's Topic: Let's Talk Family

I was really only raised by women, so I'm going to take the time today to talk about all the special ladies in my family. The first one I want to talk about it my grandma.
My Grandma is the one holding the smallest child in the front with the red hair. She's a little crazy, but she's definitely family. Despite that, she's been a fantastic supporter since I've gotten older. When I found out I was pregnant, she showed up at my door with baby blankets and a baby dresser. When I had gotten into some trouble, she came to talk to me to make sure everything was alright. She lives pretty far away now, but I still occasionally get to see her on holidays.

The second person I want to talk about today is my Momma. She had to raise me as a single mom since my Dad died when I was two, and I know it wasn't easy. She worked a lot and I had to stay with baby sitters, but it's because she had to work so much to get money for us to eat and live.
I wasn't always the greatest as a teenager and I know I had her worried how i was going to turn out as an adult, but I'm glad she's proud of where I am now. I've gotten a lot closer with my mom since I moved out of her house. She moved to Potosi, so unfortunately it's hard to get to see her much as well. I always enjoy my visits though. We have these wonderful talks now about things that we couldn't really have when I was younger. I miss her a lot and I'm sad I don't get to see her more. She did a really fantastic job as a mother though. Her reins weren't so loose that I ended up as like a heroine addict or something, but they weren't so tight that I couldn't figure out how to do things on my own. For being such a young parent, it seems like she pretty much had it down.

The third member of my family I want to talk about is my Aunt, Gina.
My Aunt was like a sister to me when we were growing up. She's seven years older than me and lived with my mom for a good part of my childhood. She used to baby sit me and we'd walk down the the local park or walk the railroad tracks. She was like my role model growing up. She always seemed so cool and smart. She had awesome friends and always held her shit together even when times got tough. She ended up going really far in life. She lived in Korea for a few years and ended up moving to Canada to settle down with her husband and her lovely baby boy.

I left the youngest for last. This is my adorable little sister, Brylee. I was always an only child, then when I was 19 years old, my mom called me down to the living room one day and told me to sit down and that she had some news for me. She told me she found out she was pregnant and I'm pretty sure I was in shock for awhile. She had this lovely little girl on September 14th, 2012, just a month before I turned 20 years old. It's weird to have a sister now. I mean, I spent almost 20 years of my life telling people I was an only child. It's strange that she won't grow up in the same household as me or honestly see me more than a few times a year. It's bizarre that by time she's in high school, I'll be in my mid 30's. She's one cute little bugger though and I'm excited to see her grow up.

The final person I want to talk about isn't quite family...yet. She is, however, my soon to be mother-in-law.

This woman as has been a complete saint since the day I met her. Lance and I had a very rocky beginning to our relationship, but as soon as Angela got to know me, she knew I made her son happy and treated me like I was part of the family. This woman is one of those people who just absolutely gives anything to everything she can to people and asks for nothing in return. She gives people rides when they need them, is there for them in times of need, and will always be there to talk to if there's trouble. When the holidays come around, she puts in the extra effort to find things that really suit you or she knows would interest you instead of just giving out gift cards to wal-mart. She always checks up on Lance and I and asks us to visit often. She does so much for everyone in her life and has not once asked for anything in return. This woman is fantastic and I can't wait to call her my mother-in-law.

Coming up tomorrow: Write about your last birthday.
If you're interested to see what questions the next 19 days hold, you can click here to see the list.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Favorite Quotes

Today is Day 10 of my 30 Day Challenge.
Today's Topic: Post your favorite Quotes

"envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide."-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I remember hearing this in high school and absolutely falling in love with the quote. It reminds us that no one is perfect and being envious is useless. Trying to be someone else is sacrificing being yourself.

"Hooray for the Madness; We Are Better By Design"-Motion City Soundtrack
This is actually a lyric, but I've always been a fan. Life is crazy, everyone is has their imperfections, but life is a lot better like this than if everyone and everything was simply and easy.

"In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them."- Johann von Neumann
I was always a fan of mathematics in school, so this quote called to me. It's true, really. Imaginary numbers and such. None of it really makes sense, you just get used to it.

"We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

"In heaven all the interesting people are missing."- Friedrich Nietzsche

Coming up tomorrow: Let's Talk Family
If you're interested to see what questions the next 19 days hold, you can click here to see the list.