Friday, December 28, 2012

Blame It On The Weather: 15 Reasons I Hate Winter

"Blame it on the weather, but I'm a mess
This February Darkness has me hating everyone"

Okay, I get it. It's not February, but it gets dark at 5 p.m., it's cold, and everything is dead. It may as well be. At least if it were February, I would have Spring to look forward to. Instead, the holidays are over, and there is nothing to look forward to until Spring decides to poke around the corner with the sweet smell of flowers.

This season really is just depressing and here's why:

1. You get fat. No one wants to go outside during the wintertime. I hate having to walk outside to even heat up the car. I don't want to go on the 3 mile walk I'd be more than willing to to do in the Spring time. Also, Thanksgiving and Christmas are days for lots of food and every day following is a day for lots of leftovers.

2. As I said previously, the sun likes to bail out by 5 p.m. I'm glad you're enjoying your 12+ hours of sleep sun, but I am not. Not only is it too cold to do anything outside, but by time I go out for my last cigarette break at work, I'm shaking so bad I can hardly hold my cigarette in my hand.

3. Sickness. I never get sick any other time of the year, but as soon as winter comes around, I'm sniffling, sneezing, and coughing all day and night for three months straight.

4. I can never get warm enough. My feet and nose are constantly cold. People always say they like winter more than summer because you can always put more clothes on, but you can only take off so many layers. To you, I say, at least when I come in the air conditioner in the summertime, I immediately feel 100 times better. Walking into a warm house or sitting in front of a heater during the winter feels like frostbite. Not pleasant at all.

5. Cleaning snow/ice off the car. This is the worst wintertime ritual. Not only do you have to be up and ready 10-15 minutes earlier to heat up your car, but you have to spend that precious, could-be-sleeping time freezing your ass off, scraping the snow and ice off your windshield. As we all know, despite the gloves, ear muffs, and multiple layers, we're still freezing down to the bone by time we get into the car. Not only that, but now your gloves and jacket are wet from the snow causing you to be 10 times colder.

6. Crappy Drivers become Crappier Drivers. We all know how bad crappy drivers are. They don't use their blinkers, they tend to swerve, they cut people off, and go 90 mph down the highway when the rain is so bad you can't see 2 feet in front of you. Unfortunately, these bad drivers don't just go away when it snows. In fact, they just get crazier. As far as these crappy drivers are concerned, this is just another obstacle they cannot possibly be harmed by. Instead, these crazy ass drivers are introduced to ice, where you never know where you will slide. Crappy drivers are just endangering people more than usual during the winter time weather.

7. Bitchier People. I will be the first to admit, I am one of these people. I'm sitting here writing a blog about how this season is depressing and makes me hate the world. Can you blame me, though? It's a terrible fucking season. These "bitchier people" you may encounter this time of year just understand this season sucks.

8. High winds. Is it just me, or do we have more wind during the winter time? Mother Nature doesn't feel she's torturing us enough by cursing us with this horrid season, but she has to make sure we feel her wrath by sending huge gusts of winds just to remind us.

9. Gross floors. With snow, it's next to impossible not to drag it in along with everything that may be in that snow. dirt, grass, leaves. Snow has the magic power of glue. Everything sticks to it, until it melts...on your carpet...and makes a mess of your house. Talk about a pain in the ass!

10. Pumping gas during the winter. Every time we go to get gas, I try to fill up so I don't have to go back and spend another 10 minutes standing by car as it cools down because of that "Please turn your car off when pumping gas" sign. I can't stand being out in the ice down to your bones chill with a hint of wind for any longer than necessary.

11. Slipping on ice. There's nothing more awful than walking along on your merry way and...WA-BAM! next thing you know, you're on the ground. You're shoes, jeans, jacket, and neck are now completely covered in snow. It's cold now, but somehow it seems to get even colder once it turns into water and the wind decides to pick up.

12. Everything is dead. The flowers are dead. The trees are dead. The grass is dead. All the smart animals migrated South. We're the only dumbasses that don't either die, hibernate, or get the hell out during this awful season.

13. Losing money! Suddenly, I'm doing less, but paying more. That 15 minutes I spend heating the car up every morning it adding up in gas. Having the sinks dripping all night so my pipes don't freeze is started to add to the electric bill little by little.

14. Less time? Nah, just sleeping more. The horrid season makes me want to sleep all the time. As I stated before, everything is dead, the sun doesn't even want to look at it, and I just want to sleep because my lazy ass is going into yet another food coma from doing nothing but eat all day.

15. Being cold...then hot...then cold... then hot. Have you ever noticed that no matter how warm it seemed when you went to bed, when you wake up, it seems as though the temperature in your house 20 degrees? This makes it ten times harder to get out of bed in the morning when you could just as well stay curled up in the covers. So you finally pull yourself out of bed, put on 10...or 20 layers of clothes on and get started for the day. You had to clean your car, so you're naturally freezing by time you actually get in. To drive, you must, of course, remove a few layers of clothing to be able to bend your arms enough to reach the steering wheel. So you drive to work and finally get warm about 3 minutes before you reach destination and then it's time to get layer back up and face the cold again. Even though the doors are less than 100 feet away, by time you reach them, you've got that chill deep down in your bone again. Inside work: it's a normal temperature and time to strip of those hundreds of layers you spent putting on this morning. This adding and removing, cold/warm thing repeats every time you have a lunch, break, or leave to head back home or to the grocery store.

Ugh, What a royal pain in the ass.
This horrid, God-forsaken season was created to weed out the weak.
I'm moving somewhere warm.
I can't handle this anymore.

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While you're at it, don't forget to see Why I Hate Women: Those big-titted Slutty Ass Bitches.

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