Wednesday, July 6, 2011

That heart in your stomach feeling

I've got that heart in your stomach feeling.

You know the one I'm talking about, that sick to your stomach one. It happens when...

you're about to go in for an interview.
someone just almost totalled your car
the police sirens flip on behind you
you wake up the next morning after a bad break-up

I've got that feeling in my stomach. It's got one of two causes, or maybe it's just a combination of the two.

1. Work. I just got called into work. As of tomorrow, I'll officially have been working there a week. However, with it being fourth of July weekend, I didn't get a whole lot of training in. Mostly it was a crash course in "this is how you do this, now go do it." The last day I worked was Sunday and the was the first kind of chill day someone was actually able to tell me something. Tonight, however, I'm going in all alone. The only people that work alone are night shift people, but I'm not sure I'm completely prepared. I'm doing it because the person I'm covering for is going to the zoo with his wife and daughter tomorrow and he needs some sleep. I don't blame him, but I'm terrified. I really hope I don't screw this up, so a few good lucks and thumbs up would seriously help.

2. Charles. Gosh, I really really reallyxabout 6 zillion miss him. I'm starting to hide out now. I want to fall into my drawing and video games and blogging and just forget about the rest. This new job is sort of messing with my head because it's been so long since I've worked and my very lifeline is this. I miss Charles every day; it's so hard not to lose myself in thinking about him. I really don't know what I'll do if he's not out by the end of the year. It's been nearly 3 weeks now and it sucks so damn much.

I'm awake, you're still sleeping. The sun will rise like yesterday
Everything that we are now is everything we can't let go o
r its gone forever, far away
I hope tomorrow is like today. Don't you go away tomorrow.
I don't think I could handle that
You're probably dreaming that you're flying on then you start to fall
But then you rise and shine forever
Don't go away
I hope tomorrow is like today.
I posted these lyrics to Charles's facebook wall 12 days before he was arrested. I loved them then, but now they hold a whole new meaning. I'm so scared to lose everything we've worked so hard to get. I never thought we'd be seperated and get so lost in this mess. I have to wonder that if we had moved into the Monroe apartments if things would be anything like they are now. I'd like to imagine they would be so that I don't have to go through that whole "what if.." scenario, but I just can't bring myself to believe it.

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