Imagine my surprise when my mother told me she was pregnant. I was 19, living at home again after my lease went up on my first apartment. I was on the search for another, but trying to get my shit straight, first. One day Patrick calls me down and tells me my Mother wants to talk to me.
No matter how old you are, "We need to talk to you," is the scariest phrase. It will always make you think of all the bad things you've ever done in your life. I came down the stairs. At this point, I had lived on my own for awhile and done my beginning step of being an adult. Since this was the case, I figured I had done something really bad (like the police were involved bad) or my mother had some really terrible news about her health or something along those lines.
Patrick said to me, "You might want to sit down to hear this." So I sit and that phrase worries me so much more. After what seemed like ages in suspense, my mother finally said the words, "I'm pregnant." Naturally this was followed by, "WHAT?! YOU CAN'T BE PREGNANT!" and "How far along are you?"
She told me she was 8 or 9 weeks pregnant and she was due on September 26th. My mom is exactly 19 years, 11 months older than me to the day. We both have 26th birthdays. If this baby was born on September 26, she would be exactly 19 years and 11 months younger than me to the day. Little Brylee Faye was born on September 14, 2012.
It's strange to think if I had carried my baby full term and delivered him, Brylee would have an niece or nephew older than her.
At Christmas, I held Brylee Cay. I guess it got my parents to thinking "What if she were a mom? She very well could have been by now." In fact, I would have been a mom for a little over a year now. Seeing my baby sister, it's like seeing what I almost had.
Patrick came up to me and asked me, "Are you planning on ever trying to have another one, someday?" For some reason, it put me in shock for a moment there. This could be my baby, except mine would be nearly a year older. "Eventually," I told him.
Eventually, I will have a child. Eventually, I will have a family. Eventually, I will have a loving husband and a loving home. Eventually, I won't feel like a child anymore, myself. At least not in full. Eventually, I will feel like I am ready to put someone's wants and needs before mine. This time is not now, as long as I can control it.
Someday, I will be a Mom. That day will be whenever I get all my things straightened out and I will be able to provide I good life for that child.
It will be when I can go through the previous post and have every one of those things on the checklist apply.
I will try for the child of my own someday, but that day is not today.