I don't mind the rain, but i do mind smelling like wet dog.-April 11, 2011
Strangely enough, sometimes the smell of M.A.C. reminds me of sunday school.-April 13 2011
Everyone i know is getting married or having kids, it seems-April 14, 2011 (the day before I found out I was pregnant)
Charles hopes our baby will be a ninja at birth.-May 5, 2011
If you would've known me then, you could find me now.
I found jesus. He was warm like the inner thighs of an overused hooker.
Even when i'm having your baby, i'll still be competing with your past.
Bus radio: bus 10 is ready to go. Other guy: good 10, go smoke a cigarette-May 27, 2011 (preparing for six flags school trip)
i'll don't like baby kay being inside of me and me not know how s/he is.
Where were you, god?-May 28, 2011
It's been 36 hours since tragedy struck. As far as i can tell: still living.-May 29, 2011
I cried & watched you pass away, although I loved you dearly, I couldn't make you stay, a precious heart stopped beating.-May 30, 2011
I think the light fairy is confused. Its like midevil gps
I've been stuck with needles to draw blood so much in the past week that i look like an unstoppable junkie.-June 1, 2011
To answer you men folk, women wear thongs even though they're uncomfortable because we know men like ass.-June 2, 2011
I think i'll start a blog today.-June 20, 2011 (this blog)
To my mom: if work calls, tell them i'm dead. I should be undead by tomorrow.-July 1, 2011
Camping is a socially acceptable reason to not wear deoderant for three days.-July 11, 2011
When it hasnt been your day, your month, or your year. Ill be there for you.
Bullet for my pancake. Pacake Films. The Doobie Pancakes.
I dont think ill take the traditional route to doing something with my life. #midnightconfessions-August 18, 2011
Once i take care of the humans i will begin my war against...THE BEES! #ohnothatsme #invaderzim-August 29, 2011
Holy Crap! my rat just ran out the front door! #WaysToGetOffThePhone- Aug 30, 2011
Humans and their filthy friendship. It brings nothing but trouble. #invaderzim #winning-September 2, 2011
Woke up. Grabbed a beer, cleaned my house, brought my rat to college i dont attend. #myday #winning-Sept 6 2011
#mamaalwayssaid my ability to only see good in people would be my downfall. She was right, but not for the reasons she thinks.-Sept 11, 2011
Dear @tacobell, please never take away your mouth watering chicken flatbread again. Sincerely, me.-Sept 29, 2011
Dustin told some sexy girl at six flags i thought she was sexy and i'm probably a closet lesbian. #thanksdustin-October 8, 2011
#wheniwas14 I wanted pink hair. holy crap! Wishing when you blow out candles actually works. hey past me next time wish for fame and fortune-October 18, 2011
#icantletgoofthings for example, i'm eating the same red velvet cake that i was eating when it expired a month ago. #itsstilltasty-October 20, 2011
When i was young i cleaned my room so mom wouldn't yell at me. Now, i clean my house so my landlord won't kick my sorry ass out.-November 8, 2011
I call everyone i date sugar. I've been informed if i ever date a black guy, i must call him brown sugar. #winning-November 18, 2011
Did you hear the one about the dizzy turkey? He went wobble wobble.-November 24, 2011
She's tough. She tries to hide it. She's difficult. But if you make an effort, she's worth it. She's worth the effort.-November 25, 2011
Look in my eyes and know I simply had to give up, But I didn't let go without struggle-November 30, 2011
Believe me, i'm just as lost as you-December 23, 2011
The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, and the
present worse than it is.-December 30, 2011
It's only once we've lost everything that we're free to do anything you #fightclub-December 31, 2011 (also my last tweet of the year that wasn't a retweet)
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