photographic evidence

I want to be one of those couples that is constantly taking photos together. I want to simply blame it on not having a real, functioning camera, but I could make due with my phone or DS.


I want to have photographic proof. Evidence of how happy we really were.
Another way to remember all those memories I may forget someday.

I want to take photographs every time we go on a walk.
I want to take photographs every time we go to the city.
I want to have picture days where we can go to the park and kiss and run all day and get plenty of pictures.


I haven't had sweet, romantic photos with anyone since I was 16.
That's just too damn long.
That, and the fact that they are unusable since I'm no longer with that person.

I want beautiful photos like these.
I want to be able to hold onto them forever.






I want to share this quote with you.

"The great thing about a photograph is that it never changes even when the people in it do"

Carpe Diem.

You've been gone three weeks now. Three weeks! That's not a happy exclamation, not in the slightest. It's been three weeks since you were taken. It's been six weeks since our baby was taken as well. In 9 days, It will be a whole month since you last slept in bed with me. It's 16 months and 3 days since you decided to take that leap of faith and give me a chance.

I was wondering about that last night...
I was wondering what let you finally kiss me.
Was it just the thought of "Why not? What the hell do I have to lose?"
I bet it was, but I don't mind.
If I could've seen us now...I would've thought I was surely seeing wrong.

 The day after we first kissed.

Carpe Diem.

That's what they say: "sieze the day." You know, like the Avenged Sevenfold song: "Sieze the day or die regretting the time you lost." I'm considering getting this tattoo directly under my Bee tattoo. I've thought about getting a Carpe Diem tattoo several times, but it seemed to overdone. Now that things are kind of happening without giving me time to first appreciate what I've gone (Alanis Morissette: "I have no concept of time other than it is flying"). Carpe Diem. I should've enjoyed my days more when I was pregnant. I thought I'd have plenty of time to enjoy it considering I figured I'd be in the state for 9 months. Whenever I knew what was happening, I knew I hadn't appreciated it enough and I was going to lose it before I even got the chance to. I remember seeing that strong little heartbeat on my first ultrasound, I could not have fallen anymore in love at that point.

I'm also considering placing it below my bee tattoo for 2 reasons. 1. They made it a little too high, so i'd like something under it. 2. See previous Blog: "Bee--It's not me" Although the Bee doesn't really define me as a person anymore, it's part of me what I hold dear and the memories of my schoolyears that I cherish.

I rarely took for granted my time with Charles. He liked staying up late and I liked waking up early. When I worked, we worked different schedules. When I didn't work, he was too busy working all the time trying to keep us afloat. I always wanted to see him because I was never able to get enough of him.

To my old friends, current family, and future self.

It's 4:30am. whoa! wait a minute! It's 4:30am? I was supposed to pass out like 3 and a half hours ago. Hopefully work doesn't try to call me in before noon because I'll be sleeping like a rock.

Anyway, I've been really wrapped up in my own life lately that I forgot to take a step back and look at everyone else's. I really miss...all the memories I have. I really want to talk about a few of them and maybe just get some things off of my chest.

To my very best middle school friends: I'm so sorry we drifted apart. We used to be inseperable. I thought we always would be. You guys always kept tabs on eachother, you guys stayed close because God kept you close. I'm sorry I left in such a rush and I'm sorry that I've probably let down all the dreams of fun things we would do together.

To my family: I don't know what anyone thinks of me anymore, but I want everyone to know that I wouldn't a single thing back.

To me:

Things are really chaotic. Every day is a struggle, but I know you'll make it through. You went through a perdiod of always saying that: "I'll figure it out." The funny thing was, when you started saying that, you always did figure some sort of solution out. I hope thats how you work things out right now. You'll figure it out. Things won't be easy for quite awhile, now. You really have no idea what is going to happen or how things are going to happen, but the most you can do is hope for the best and take things as they come. Don't give up.

(I'm going to recieve this e-mail on September 1st: Charles' birthday via http://www.futureme.org/ )