Carpe Diem.

You've been gone three weeks now. Three weeks! That's not a happy exclamation, not in the slightest. It's been three weeks since you were taken. It's been six weeks since our baby was taken as well. In 9 days, It will be a whole month since you last slept in bed with me. It's 16 months and 3 days since you decided to take that leap of faith and give me a chance.

I was wondering about that last night...
I was wondering what let you finally kiss me.
Was it just the thought of "Why not? What the hell do I have to lose?"
I bet it was, but I don't mind.
If I could've seen us now...I would've thought I was surely seeing wrong.

 The day after we first kissed.

Carpe Diem.

That's what they say: "sieze the day." You know, like the Avenged Sevenfold song: "Sieze the day or die regretting the time you lost." I'm considering getting this tattoo directly under my Bee tattoo. I've thought about getting a Carpe Diem tattoo several times, but it seemed to overdone. Now that things are kind of happening without giving me time to first appreciate what I've gone (Alanis Morissette: "I have no concept of time other than it is flying"). Carpe Diem. I should've enjoyed my days more when I was pregnant. I thought I'd have plenty of time to enjoy it considering I figured I'd be in the state for 9 months. Whenever I knew what was happening, I knew I hadn't appreciated it enough and I was going to lose it before I even got the chance to. I remember seeing that strong little heartbeat on my first ultrasound, I could not have fallen anymore in love at that point.

I'm also considering placing it below my bee tattoo for 2 reasons. 1. They made it a little too high, so i'd like something under it. 2. See previous Blog: "Bee--It's not me" Although the Bee doesn't really define me as a person anymore, it's part of me what I hold dear and the memories of my schoolyears that I cherish.

I rarely took for granted my time with Charles. He liked staying up late and I liked waking up early. When I worked, we worked different schedules. When I didn't work, he was too busy working all the time trying to keep us afloat. I always wanted to see him because I was never able to get enough of him.

That heart in your stomach feeling

I've got that heart in your stomach feeling.

You know the one I'm talking about, that sick to your stomach one. It happens when...

you're about to go in for an interview.
someone just almost totalled your car
the police sirens flip on behind you
you wake up the next morning after a bad break-up

I've got that feeling in my stomach. It's got one of two causes, or maybe it's just a combination of the two.


1. Work. I just got called into work. As of tomorrow, I'll officially have been working there a week. However, with it being fourth of July weekend, I didn't get a whole lot of training in. Mostly it was a crash course in "this is how you do this, now go do it." The last day I worked was Sunday and the was the first kind of chill day someone was actually able to tell me something. Tonight, however, I'm going in all alone. The only people that work alone are night shift people, but I'm not sure I'm completely prepared. I'm doing it because the person I'm covering for is going to the zoo with his wife and daughter tomorrow and he needs some sleep. I don't blame him, but I'm terrified. I really hope I don't screw this up, so a few good lucks and thumbs up would seriously help.

2. Charles. Gosh, I really really reallyxabout 6 zillion miss him. I'm starting to hide out now. I want to fall into my drawing and video games and blogging and just forget about the rest. This new job is sort of messing with my head because it's been so long since I've worked and my very lifeline is this. I miss Charles every day; it's so hard not to lose myself in thinking about him. I really don't know what I'll do if he's not out by the end of the year. It's been nearly 3 weeks now and it sucks so damn much.

I'm awake, you're still sleeping. The sun will rise like yesterday
Everything that we are now is everything we can't let go or its gone forever, far away
I hope tomorrow is like today. Don't you go away tomorrow.
I don't think I could handle that
You're probably dreaming that you're flying on then you start to fall
But then you rise and shine forever
Don't go away
I hope tomorrow is like today.

I posted these lyrics to Charles's facebook wall 12 days before he was arrested. I loved them then, but now they hold a whole new meaning. I'm so scared to lose everything we've worked so hard to get. I never thought we'd be seperated and get so lost in this mess. I have to wonder that if we had moved into the Monroe apartments if things would be anything like they are now. I'd like to imagine they would be so that I don't have to go through that whole "what if.." scenario, but I just can't bring myself to believe it.