A Year Ago Today

People change a lot in a single year. For me, every year I have changed an extraordinary amount. Each year my relationships with friends are a little or even a lot different. Usually I lose and gain friends over the course of a year. I stop hanging out with some and lose touch while others I become 10 times closer to.

Today is Lance's 23rd birthday.
A year ago today, Lance was just turning 22.

You want to know what we did?
We went up to Huhot with his family, then he drove me back to my apartment so that we could spend the rest of the day packing. That's exactly what we did. We stayed up talking and packing up my apartment and driving thing to the storage shed and to my mothers all day and night until the wee hours of the morning because I had to be out by February 1st.

I made Lancelot pack all day on his birthday.
So what did I come up with this year, you ask?
Well, today I made him be my personal crutch and help me walk around Wal-Mart and Save-a-lot.
I told him that he can only imagine what I'm going to think up for him to have to do next year on his birthday.

In any case, he is an absolute doll. He's always taking care of me and helping me out on his birthday.
I did make him some cinnamon rolls today, though. :)


This was the closest picture I could find. It's actually from Christmas of 2011, but I took next to no pictures January of 2012.

Then, here's Lance and I on New Years Day This Year. <3



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On the beginning note, a lot changes in a year.
A year ago today, I would have never suspected I'd be where I am.

That was part of my extremely tough ten months of my life.
Here is where I thought I would be in January 2013 in January 2012.

I thought I would still be working at Hunts.
I thought I would still be dating Charles.
I thought we might even be engaged.
I thought that I may be pregnant since we had originally planned to try for another child.
I thought that I would be in another apartment and maybe going to college.
I thought I would still be an only child.


None of those things are true.


My Mother told me a few months after January 2012 that she was in fact having the child that I thought I would be carrying that year. Charles and I broke up a month and  a half after he got out of jail. I am not pregnant. I am not in college and I'm now working at Accent.

You know what I have to say about that?
I am so perfectly happy. I have such a wonderful life.

Although I miss Hunts very much some days, I'm happier at Accent. I loved the people there, but some of the rules got a little bogus. I mostly quit because we weren't allowed to have our cell phones and I needed mine to keep my sanity. Plus, walking home from work every night since I don't have a car really gave me the heebie jeebies. Plus, I really enjoy working with Lancelot.

Lance makes me a very happy lady. Really, he does. Even when he screws up, it takes him less than five minutes to apologize. We sleep on the floor because it reminds us of old times. He introduces me to all sorts of new TV shows, gave me that extra push to learn guitar, and is extremely patient with me. He makes me a better person. That's what I really want in someone is just for us to be happy and to make each other better people.

I may not have the child that I believed I so wanted, but that's okay too. As much as my female hormones keep screaming "baby! baby! baby!" in my head, I know better. I don't want a baby right now. I'm 20 years old. I've got another 3 or 4 years minimum before I even really want to consider it. I'll only be this young once. I want to be able to stay up until 3 am and decide to go to wal-mart because I really want some goldfish crackers. I want to be able to spend money on yarn to crochet things. I want to have the free time to crochet. I don't want to have to find a babysitter anytime I want to go out of my friends. Most of all, I don't want to deny my child of having a full-time committed mother because I'm too busy caught up in my own life feeling like I never got the chance to be young.

I'm really happy for my mother. I now have a beautiful baby sister and she is the most precious little girl in the world. My mom gets the chance to raise a daughter the way she would have wanted. A full-time mother who already learned from the mistakes of her first daughter. Being the second kid is like being the second pancake. The first one, you just try your best and hope it turns out alright. By time you get to the second one you realize what you did wrong with the first one and take this opportunity to fix it and do it right the second time around.


I lost a lot of friends through my break-up with Charles and I gained a lot of new ones both through Lance and the experiences I had during those 10 mysterious months.

My world is nowhere I thought it would be, but I think I'd much prefer this one.
I can only imagine where I'll be a year from now.
I'll be in a new place and my sister will be 16 months old.
God knows what else will be different.

Not So Beautiful

Here are some statistics I got from the Dove Website.

Only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful.
Only 11% of girls globally are comfortable using the word beautiful to describe themselves.
72% of girls feel tremendous pressure to be beautiful
80% of women agree that every woman has something about her that is beautiful but do not see their own beauty. 

When I was younger, I was a chubby kid. This is the oldest photograph I could find, but here it is.

I'm the one in the black half jacket. In this photo, I was 13 years old, I believe. At this point in time, I didn't have a huge problem with my weight. My biggest issue was that I hadn't had any boys interested in me since the 4th grade. At 13, this should not have been my biggest worry, but it was. This was the age where all the other girls were getting boyfriends they actually kissed and I was stuck in the backround being fat little Brittany.


I decided that this is what I needed to look like. I needed this perfect shape and that lovely gap between my thighs. After I lost my virginity to a guy I didn't want to, I started to actively try to get my weight down. I've never liked healthy foods, so I didn't eat healthier. I didn't eat at all, actually. Maybe a couple of cookies a day, but that was it. This was the summer before my eighth grade year. I walked all the way across town and never sat down. I began losing weight and I liked what I saw.

This is the outlook I had. I couldn't be too skinny. The less I weighed, the better it was. My mother began to worry about me. When I got my first real boyfriend is September of 2006, I was proud of myself. I had lost a lot of weight. I was sticking to it. One day when he was over, we were all eating lunch. By this point, I had started eating a little more than I was during the summertime, but I still didn't eat as much as I used to. I walked into the kitchen and overheard my mother talking to him. "You need to watch her and make sure she eats, or she won't." I can still remember exactly the way she sounded. She knew.

I eventually fell away from practically starving myself as I become comfortable with who I was and what I had, but these images are still hard to stomach. When I see girls like this, I want to be them. I don't care if I am a great weight, I want hip bones like this. I want defined collarbones. I want to be skinny again.

The sad truth of the matter is, I will never be this thin. When Charles went to jail, I went back to practically starving myself, except it wasn't my choice. It didn't last for too long because I had some good people come into my life that fed me well. I did lose a lot of weight though. I lost nearly 20 pounds and got down to an average B.M.I. I became the thinnest I've ever been. It didn't look great on me, either.

I had the defined collarbones, but my cheeks began to sink in.
I began to look sickly instead of beautiful.
Here is a photo of that time:




My body is not built to be that kind of thin.
Even if I were to get down to such a small weight,
I would only look as though I had been doing hardcore drugs for the last few years.

There is no hope and it kills me a little inside.


Don't forget to take a look at Barbie Threatens Our Children's Self-Esteem

Porn, Romantic Movies, and Unrealistic Expectations

I'm sure the title brought you into this one.
Men, you saw the word porn.
Ladies, you want to know what the hell I have to say about romance movies.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here is the sum of what I want to cover in this blog today: Romantic movies set unrealistic expectations of what relationships should be like to women. Porn does the same to men with sex.

Let's cover porn first:
Porn sets unrealistic expectations for what men believe sex should be like.
Don't get me wrong, some women are porn stars to the T in some cases. Often in these cases, they are actual porn stars. More than likely just ametuar porn, but my guess is that they've been recording having sex on more than one occasion.
Different women like different things, but here are a lot of things that are in porn that not all that women do or like. I'm going to start my list from things women more likely do/like to things that are just rare as fuck (I'm just using my best judgement, I have no statistics on this one).

The most common thing women actually do during sex is moan. Yes, women moan during sex, but often times it is not nearly as exaggerated as much porn is unless the sex is really fucking mind-blowing fantastic. Sorry to break it to you, men, but every time you have sex, it is not going to be this mind-blowing sex they try to portray in pornography.

The second thing is girls pleasuring themselves while you watch. Sure, it can be hot to have someone watch, but more than likely, we just want you to do the work. Our arms just aren't long enough for that sort of thing. If you're in bed with us, naked, extremely turned on, and hard enough to fuck, we shouldn't be doing the work for ourselves all alone. You want it, work to get it.

Third of all, "Lock the cellar door, and baby, talk dirty to me" (If you don't know this song, shame on you. You obviously were never around anyone that played Guitar Hero nor have you ever listened to Poison). Talking dirty. Some women are really into this. I get the hype, but its not something that overpowers my sex life. In a poll, 12% of women stated to always want to "talk dirty" when doing the deed. Couldn't find any statistics on men, but I know the majority of them love the shit out of it.

Most porn plays a big role in how men think women should look when they are naked. This clearly creates unrealistic expectations of how women should have huge tits and a tiny waist. A very small percentage of women in the United States actually have this figure unless they have a serious order or are naturally tiny and happened to have a boob job.

Anal Sex. 31% of women admit to have had anal sex. There are no clear numbers of how many stated to "enjoy it" and do it often. Most women I know have never tried or at least won't admit they have. My stance on it: I have a vagina for a reason and I'd like you to use it.

Blowing your load all over her face? You really think she's into that? Let me tell you, more than likely, the answer is "Don't you dare fucking try." I don't know what you're little half baby sperm all up in my eyeballs, mouth, and getting my hair all sticky and stiff. That is in no way attractive to me.

So, as I stated before, I do believe porn gives unrealistic expectations of what sex should be for men.

Personally, I could see this leading to cheating, easily. This could be in two different forms.

Men texting women and asking them to send him nudes. These are simply to create his own pleasure, since he is not actually engaging with any sexual activity with the girl, but yes, i do consider it cheating and this is why. It is mentally cheating on someone. Men watch porn, that's fine. You're never going to see those girls in real life or have a face to face casual conversation with them. You will never see them laugh, cry, or probably see them do anything but have sex with other people that you don't know. When it is a woman that you know, even if you are only acquaintances, she is a woman that you have seen in the flesh and thought "Damn, she is hot. I wonder what is underneath those clothes." If there is any way that you can get in touch with her to call her up for a one night fling or are having conversations with her, she becomes very real. She becomes a threat to a relationship. She can easily become the demise of that relationship from that point onward.  I figure it worse if you're sending pictures back to the girl because you are exposing one of the only parts of you that your girlfriend/wife is supposed to see to another woman. You are taking one very important thing that actually declares you a "couple" apart from any lady friends that you may have or just lady acquaintances. You are taking that intimate part of your relationship and spreading it around to anyone that is willing to give you a good show in return. This destroys a lot of trust between two people and can ruin things in a heartbeat.

As far as physically cheating goes, that one is easy. That "fucking mind-blowing sex" that you were looking forward to after watching porn for all of those years isn't quite as mind-blowing as you thought it would be. This encourages men to want to branch out to women and see if the experience there is any better. This happens especially when the sex with the same partner begins to get old.

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Now, to the women (I believe this segment is going to be much shorter).

Ladies, how many romance movies have you watched in your lifetime?

I love the crap out of romance movies, but it's rare I actually get to sit down and watch them. I feel like I've seen half a million. So those of you girls who watch them at least once a week, you've got even more under your belt than I do. You know what? That shit is fucking with your psych.

The crazy thing about romantic movies and women is that they start us from birth. They started giving us these crazy, unrealistic expectations of this Prince Charming that was going to come sweep us off our feet and carry us away to Happily Ever After from BIRTH!

Think about it, ladies. Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs. Repunzel. Hercules. The Little Mermaid. Cinderella. These were all Disney movies we watched on repeat as children. In every single one, the woman is in distress for some reason or another and suddenly this man sweeps in out of nowhere and knows that she is the one that he has to spend the rest of her life with without even speaking to her. Nowhere in any of these movies is anything about things getting tough, having to work shit out, GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

Since then, we've moved to big girl movies. The men start to get to know the women. They have struggles. They always make it in the end, though.

Trust is, relationships don't make it in the end. In fact, did you know, statistics say that only one out of all of your relationships will actually last for the rest of your life (unless you're into the whole polygamy thing)?! Crazy, right? NO. It's not.

You are going to date many men in you're lifetime. The first one that you date will most likely not be the person you spend the rest of your life with. You have to go through many relationships that aren't exactly what you want to make sure you find someone that really is perfect for you.

Women stress out day and night whether the man they are with is "the one." The sweat over pity little details like the way he doesn't make big romantic gestures all the time, why he doesn't bring her flowers on the day of the month they got together every month (though that is really sweet), why he doesn't go around telling every one that says "Hello" to him that he's madly in love with you.

reality check! men don't do these things. There are very few hopeless romantic men out there. Usually, if you find one he's a big mush ball that cries a lot and can't stand up for himself.

Women focus too much on the lack of big, flashy romantic gestures and focus too little on well... the little things.

Remember how much he loves you when he cleans out the litter box when it was your turn. Remember how much he loves you when he does all of the dishes or cooks you breakfast while you're sleeping and wakes you up when it's finished. Remember how much he loves you when you take the last of the tea, but he makes more. Remember how much he loves you when he buys you Taco Bell because you were having a bad day or the silly things he comes up with to cheer you up when you're clearly down.

Men aren't these hard-ass hopeless romantics like Aladdin. They're not going to be obsessed with the same things you are and bail out on video games and dude friends just to be around you and you're lady friends all the time. He might grow a vagina if you put him up to those standards.

This can also lead women to cheating. This brings me back to my previous post "Why I hate Women (those big-titted slutty ass bitches)" about women trying to make cheating a personal thing. Women do this because of these romantic movies creating this idea that there is this strong, sweet-hearted, mushy-gushy man. Trying to get directly involved with the men, while men just want the sex and then want to get the hell out.

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Men are men, so quit treating them like they need to be just like the men in the movies. Men aren't the men you see in the romance movies just like women aren't the women you see in pornography.

It's just one big example of unrealistic expectations.
My suggestion: Men should probably start watching a little less porn and women should start watching fewer romance movies.
or maybe women should start watching more porn and men should start watching more romance movies. I'm not sure that second one will work. I'll have to get back to you on that one.



Don't forget to check out the Things to Consider Before Having Children.
Also, if you have any ideas that you would like me to blog about, e-mail me at xBeasel@yahoo.com