What a 20 Year Old Should Be Doing and The Best Kind of Best Friend

I've been thinking a lot lately. Life is kind of...in a very bizarre spot.

The Connecticut school shootings happened yesterday. Proof that this whole "the world is ending in six days" is getting way too out of hand. I truly think these people believe the world is ending and they aren't going to have to pay the price for what they are doing.

This led me to think about my life; this made me think of where I am and where the hell I'm going. The conclusion is...I have no idea.

My two best friends aren't exactly what kind of best friends I expected to have. Don't get me wrong, I love them both to pieces and wouldn't give them up for the world, but I think I just want more part.

Best Friend A: He's so caught up in his own life. I believe he's going around making bad decisions because in the past, he was always stuck taking care of others. He wasn't able to go out and make stupid decisions of his own. Now is a very bad time to do this. Now is when he can be severely legally punished or have those decisions show up on his record for the rest of his life. Now is the time that is going to make or break who he is. Plus, he wants very little to do with me these days unless none of his trouble-making friends are available.

Best Friend D: I love her to pieces. Every once in awhile we get far too drunk and start spilling our hearts out. These are my favorite moments with her, because these are the times when I feel like I really get to be part of her and what is going on with her life. Otherwise, she's fun, she's hilarious, she makes me smile, but she does not let me or anyone get into her deep personal business. She's been screwed over one time too many and doesn't want to trust anyone with that valuable information. I guess I of all people should understand that outlook, but I still want to be part of it. I want to help her out and tell her she doesn't have to fight battles on her own, that I will be there to stand by her. I want to tell her that even if there is a day that I'm not there to fight those battles with her, no matter what she did, I would never let her secrets loose.

             

Maybe I learned too much about teenage best friends from this girl. She was my best friend for nearly four years. She is what I base what a "best friend" should be off of. She loved me and I loved her. I believe my very life depended on her. I thought best friends were supposed to call each other when they needed to talk or cry. I thought we were supposed to spend the night together, no boys allowed. I thought best friends were supposed to go thrift store shopping together and  take silly pictures in the bathrooms of grocery stores. I believed we were supposed to talk about the crazy people we saw and do all the crazy things together. Anytime anything was wrong, I leaned on her and she leaned on me. We cooked together, we drank together, we laughed, cried, and made puppet shadows on the walls. We did crafts and bought each other things. Mostly she bought me things because I had no job. She was my hero and I was proud to call her my best friend. I wish I still had that. She left me when I after a few months at my first job. I was 17 then. She felt I believed the people there were more important than her and that she didn't play a big role in my life anymore. She left and never came back. I miss her many days, but she has no urge to have anything to with me.

Here I am three years later and no friend I've had made me feel nearly how she did. Here I am three years later not having the slightest clue of what a 20 year old like me really should be doing at this point in life.

I've watched many of my friends go off to college. I've seen many from High school get married, even more having children. I am none of those.

I am a 20 year old lady living in her own apartment with a wonderful fella and a desk job (more or less). I have plans of going somewhere that's not here and doing something that's not this, but I don't know the answer of where I'm going or what I'm going to do there. In fact, I don't have the slightest clue. 

Time is passing quicker and quicker. It seems last time I looked at the calender it was still August. I've had a lot of experiences, but they all seem to come and go so quickly.

I had the experience of moving out of my mother's house before I finished high school. I had the fear of not getting to walk at graduation because I let myself slack and failed one of my college courses. I had the joy of finding out I was pregnant and seeing my baby's heartbeat. I had the heartache of losing that baby and having it haunt me for months on end. I had my thrill of working overnights with no school schedule and doing as I pleased when I pleased. I felt the terror or losing my apartment and ending up on the streets because my boyfriend and only income went to jail. I've had that heart in my stomach feeling from finding out something I probably never wanted to know and just needing to get out of the house and get very far away. I've had the experience of a car wreck, and let me tell you, it's just like that scene in fight club.

I've lived a lot of life, but I never know what is coming up next. I've got friends that want to hang out and party with me and have a good old time. I don't have that friend that depends on me to be there when she cries or just to lie with and talk about what the hell we're doing with our lives. I've got a wonderful boyfriend, but even together we can't figure out what we need to do with our lives. 

I'm so far from a dream best friend. I'm so far from college. I'm so from engagement and marriage. I'm so far from babies.

I'm so far from everything and I have no idea what I need to be doing.