What Goes Up

The Girl With a Plan--or Lack Thereof

2012-02-01T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well, there's good news and bad news to every story. But unlike most, I'll give you the good news first.

Good news: Charles is coming home.
Yes, he's coming home in March. Sunday is our two year and I've been nearly eight months without him. He's coming home though, so I get my shot to get things right.

Bad News: All my plans just went to shit.
I didn't expect him to be out so soon, I made plans with the thought that he wasn't going to be home with my for quite awhile. I was planning on moving to Festus, on going to beauty school. I was going to create this whole new life for myself that he could come into. But now I'll have to stay in the area for, I figure, at least six more months, due to legal bs. Which now means I won't be attending school this Autumn, It may be harder to move up to Festus with both of us, and I'm terrified because in the long run, I like to be the girl with a plan.

Rugrats All Grown Up

2012-01-10T16:40:00.000-05:00

Does anyone remember that show? Rugrats All Grown Up? I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. It wasn't really a hit. Actually, it's really not important if you remember it or not because that's not what I'm here to talk about.

I'm here to talk about me and the rugrats I knew as a kid and how we've all grown up.

It's weird to see where my friends are now.

Some are married now. Some already happily with children. Some already unhappy with regrets of their choice.

Some are in college having the times of their lives. Making the memories they'll be able to tell their kids about (and ones they wont!) when they plan on going to college.

Some are stuck in the annoying lull of a shit job trying to pay for an apartment that it turns out they didn't really want after all.

Me--My boyfriend is locked up. I'm working the shit job. I'm moving back in with my mom.
But then I'm getting my debt paid off. Moving to Festus. Going to beauty school.
Eventually, I'll get my relationship back on track and I'll get my family.

I'll be okay. Even all grown up.

My Square Root of Three

2011-11-30T19:16:00.000-05:00

By: David Feinberg

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

Love is Like a Lawnmower

2011-11-27T19:20:00.000-05:00

Love is Like a Lawnmower...

My freshman year of college, I had English Comp II every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My english instructor was the type to have notes all over the board when you walked in and the best way to piddle through class without actually learning anything was to copy them all down before he erased it all and began writing the exact same thing for the his third run of the same lesson that day.

One Friday I walked into his classroom, ten minutes earlier as usual, and the only thing written on the board was in big letters. It said "Love is like a lawnmower..." I was puzzled by this, because 1. I had never heard love compared to a lawnmower EVER in my life and because 2. this was so uncharacteristic of my professor.

I sat puzzled trying to think of how love could be like a lawnmower and even went as far as to google it, still finding minimal results.When my instructor walked in that day the first thing he asked us was how we thought love was like a lawnmower. The old creepy guy across the room said "because once we get sick of them, we go out and get a new one." At the time it seemed crude and not particularly humorous. (it could help that I was entirely too creeped out over this guy because he used to stare at me in class). Now that I look back on it, the humor doesn't really shine through, but the point does.

Love is like a lawnmower, because when it's not working, you have to try something else.

I've been thinking alot about past break-ups recently. Most of you who know me and have known me for many years know my boyfriend history. For those of you who don't, I'll help explain it a little. The two basic groups for me (as for most of you, probably) have been being the dumper or the dumpee.

Being the dumpee was in my earlier times of dating. Those were all my short week-month relationships. Being the dumpee always leaves me feeling like a clinger. I can never just let go. I can be such a sap. I'll listen to heart-breaking music and start reading/writing poetry and all that sad shit. I tried to guilt them into taking me back, saying they barely got to know me before they let me go. It never worked, I had no sense of charm back then. Being the dumpee was always rough. I was so melodramatic when I was young. I would stay cooped up in my room balling my eyes out writing in my "journal." I was in my early teens, give me a break. :P We all know adolescence is the hardest time.

Being the dumper is sometimes worse than being the dumpee. Then you've got the clinger I was once. The thing about dumping someone is it doesn't mean you don't love them anymore, it just means that it's not working. I don't think I understood that when I was the dumpee. Being the dumper when I was still in my 16, 17 stage was awful. I said silly things like "Maybe we'll get another chance." Now that seems so silly to say without believing it. Once, I was put in the situation where I had been dating a guy for a few months and wouldn't touch the "L word." When we broke up, he said it. "I love you." I said it back even though I didn't mean it. I figured "Where's the harm? I already said it was over." That was a huge mistake. I wouldn't do it again now no matter what.

Love is general is an intimidating thing. There's no drawn out, set line of what kind of love there is for different people in your life. It's got so many shades of gray, no one can figure it out.

Eventually though, It works out. You get it right.

I hope one day I'll finally get it right.

I think next time, I'll write a rant on the girl that got away.

So keep in touch.

I always wanted a pin-up girl tattoo

2011-11-24T20:53:00.000-05:00

I always wanted a pin-up girl tattoo. I couldn't say exactly why or when I decided this, but it's always been on my "guilty pleasure" list. When I see a chick with a sexy lady tattoo (a.k.a. pin-up girl tattoo), she automatically becomes ten times hotter to me.

Well, I searched for years and years and couldn't ever find one that i really really liked. After going to my friend Sherinda's, she showed me the hidden tattoo designs on the inside of Sailor Jerry's bottles. She had three or four under her sink, and one particularly stood out to me. I knew that was the sexy lady tattoo I wanted.

Turns out, Sherinda has the same soft spot for them as I do, so she's getting one off of the bottles too.

Here is Sherinda and a picture of the tattoo she's looking to get.

Here's a picture of me and the one I'm intending to get.

we're planning on getting them on the side of our thighs.

Should be awesome, I can't wait until we've got the cash.

the only girls i'd ever date.

2011-11-24T20:17:00.000-05:00

that gorgeous lady in the blue.

this extremely cute (she's even cuter not zombified) pink-haired-girl

and of course Hayley Williams

Just do your best, Do everything you can

2011-11-24T16:01:00.000-05:00

It's gonna get harder still, before it gets easy
You can't keep safe what wants to break.

Things are getting extremely hectic.

When Charles was arrested, my life was flipped upside-down. We had just lost the baby three weeks earlier, I had no job, we were trying to make the bills and he was ripped out of my life in a moment. I didn't think I would be able to make it through that time period for a long while. I had some great ass friends to help me pull through that. As time hsa passed, I've gotten used to living on my own. I've gotten used to paying the bills, having ramen for dinner everynight, staying up until 2 and 3am playing fable.

His next, and most likely, final courtdate is in two weeks. Two weeks. It's been five and a half months that I've been living on my own. Five and a half months I've been doing my own thing, paving my own way. I don't know what I'm going to do if he comes home. I'll be happy, don't get my wrong. Charles was my world before he was taken, but things will be so different. My world will be flipped around all over again. The apartment will seem so crowded with two people occupying it at all hours of the day and night. I'll have to take care of him again as far as driving him where he needs to go. I'll actually have to keep the apartment clean.

Will he love Herbert as much as I do? Will he be upset that I broke his phone? Will he be able to get used to the things that have changed in me? Will I be able to get used to the ways he's changed? Will we be able to live together and adjust to the new lifestyle?

For these answers, only time will tell.

Giving Thanks--and all that wishy-washy-stuff

2011-11-24T15:41:00.000-05:00

I don't take Thanksgiving as lightly as I used to. I used to live with my mother, spending an entire day actually with her was a pain in my ass, much less the rest of my crazy ass family. Since moving out of her house, I've found a million and one more things to be thankful.

First and foremost is her, my darling mother. She drives me crazy sometimes, but we've definitely gotten closer now that I'm moved out of the house. She's always my backup if I can't find something to do. We play Phase ten and Mario Party together all the time. She's the best.

I'm thankful for my apartment. I'm thankful I have a steady place to live, that even if it's ramen everynight, I've still got food each evening. I never starve.

I'm thankful for my boyfriend. He's been gone for 5 months now, but he's still so very special to me. Hopefully he'll be home with me for Christmas. He's my shining star, words can't say how excited I'll be to have him home again.

Lastly, I'm grateful for all my friends. Since Charles has been gone, my friends have proven to be positively superb. They've taken care of me, helped me laugh and taught me how to enjoy life even when I didn't think anything was going right.

and of course, I'm thankful for taco bell

No-Shave-November

2011-11-13T23:03:00.000-05:00

It's halfway through November now, and we all know what that means.
My legs are getting extremely hairy.

Okay, I'm just kidding. It's been far too warm not to shave my legs. I've been enjoying being able to still wear shorts far too much.

Halfway through November actually means that I should be thinking up all the things I'm grateful for. Mostly, I'm going to mention some people. Anyone who keeps up with me knows since Charles has been gone I've had a pretty rough time adjusting to life on my own. I've got a lot of people to thank for making things so much easier on me.

The first person is Adam.

Adam's been my best friend for years. We've lost touch and gained in back again. Everytime we get space from eachother for awhile, we always get back together and start up like no time passed at all. Through these past five months, he's kept me busy, kept me having fun, kept me happy. He drives me nuts sometimes, but I always love him. We even got invader Zim tattoos while the boyfriend was away. :)

Dustin

Dustin started talking to me so I knew I had someone to relate to. We've come a long way since then. He taught me to be part of something again. He brought me into a family that let me carve pumpkins and dance at Six Flags. He taught me to appreciate new music and new activities. He reminded me that I needed to just do what I wanted to do to be happy.

Lance

Lance came into my life at a very bizarre time. I lost one job, came back to the one I hated with everything in me and he was around. He was my late nighter. We walked random places in the middle of the night and watched goofy shit on Netflix. He let me get away from everyone and everything else. We had long talks and strange conversations. He helped me get through things by listening.

My Best Friend

2011-11-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

My Best Friend isn't like many other 19 year old girl's best friend.
He's a he.
He's black and white, but he's always got some crazy colored hair going on.
He's always curious about new places and goes pretty much everywhere with me.

Oh yeah, and I often carry him around in my purse.
His name is Herbert and I love him very much.
He is my best friend.

3/4 of a baby

2011-10-28T00:33:00.002-04:00

I should be 31 weeks pregnant with baby Cay right now.
I'm not, and that breaks my heart.
I want my baby back.

No, not the ribs.
my child.

Hard to cross a heart that beats it's best

2011-10-25T15:23:00.000-04:00

One of these days the ground will drop out from beneath your feet
One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat
One of these days the clocks will stop and time won't mean a thing
One of these days their bombs will drop and silence everything

Time is a funny thing. It's been four months since Charles went to jail. I've changed alot in those four months. I've gotten myself in and out of trouble, made new friends, lost a few, and learned how some really felt about me after all.

I've created this person that I've always wanted to be and put it out to the world knowing I really had nothing left to lose. And you know what? It worked. Turns out everyone is actually much fonder of me when i'm just going all out to be happy.

Here's some updates for all of you that have been keeping up with me only online.

I did do a good bit of dressing like a zombie.

Dustin, me, Raychel.

I've enjoyed my semi-regular trips to Elephant Rocks with my friends.

I partied with the undead and brought my rat along

This past four months have taken me for a spin and I've had a blast.

I wouldn't give them up for the world

They've helped me grow and

I am grateful

Zombies 'n stuff

2011-10-18T16:28:00.000-04:00

Do you know what I love about Halloween? You can be anyone or anything you want to be.
Frankly I've always been a pretty big zombie fan, but I never could figure out how to achieve the look.
I wanted to share some zombie facts and pictures with you, today.

Zombie Origins
Zombies originally hail from Haiti. Voodoo sorcerers (or bokors) from the Caribbean are believed to be able to revive the dead with magic potions, powders and incantations. Another popular way to zombify a human is to introduce a powerful psychoactive drug into the bloodstream of the living. In both cases, the Zombie in question becomes an obedient slave to the spellcaster. he word zombie is thought to be derived from the Kongo region in Central Africa were the voodoo religion was practiced. The word Nzambi which was used to describe the corpse of a dead person in the region and it's believe that zombie is derived from it.

1.)Zombies Stink. To say all Zombies omit a foul odor, while technically true, is patently unjust. In fairness to the undead, they are undead, and that particularly unique character trait does bring about a certain pungent fragrance.

2.)While slow moving, they never seem to tire. Running and frequently taking right angles seems to allow you to escape them. They do NOT corner well.

3.)Only wounds that damage the brain seem to drop them for good. Aim for the head or neck with your firearms or melee weapons. Remember, circling a single zombie works well. They turn around for shit.

4.)They are weaker than you, and are unable to pull themselves up. If you can change elevation, they usually cannot continue their pursuit. This also works if you can trip them. They frequently lay there for seconds trying to figure shit out, and then it takes them time to get upright. Plenty of time to either kill them or flee.

5.)Zombies appear to have excellent hearing. They are attracted to movement as well so if you can be quiet, and stay very still, there is a good chance they will not notice you!

6.)Zombies trip on just about anything in their way. If you can put obstacles in their way, most of them cannot wrap their decaying heads around how to get past it quickly. Eventually they will figure it out, but if you can get out of their line of sight and out of their hearing range, they’ll give up, and meander elsewhere.

to conclude, I have a question for you.

Will zombies be covered by the pending healthcare reform?

A tattoo of rememberance.

2011-08-30T14:10:00.000-04:00

Being without a computer isn't too difficult. It's refreshing, though. Its nice to focus on friends and such rather than facebook.

I'm getting back into the swing of things. I'm finally going out with friends again and enjoying being 18 while it lasts.

It does make me sad to see all my friends having their babies. I would've been getting pretty pregnant about now. I do plan on getting a tattoo for sweet baby Cay come December. December 21st, actually. That was my due date.

Charles class A felony was dropped to a class C. His next court date is October 5th. When that comes around, they'll either give him four more months or probation. I'm really hoping, since he hasn't caused any trouble, they'll give him probation and he'll be home for my birthday and he'll get to come with me to get my tattoo for baby Cay. If he doesn't get probation, I'll probably wait on him for the tattoo. It'll be as much of a part of him as of me.

Blogs lately are just to keep those of you in touch that have been checking up on me. Thanks everyone. I'll write more interesting things when I have free internet access again.

I'm gaining more faith by the day

2011-08-14T12:24:00.000-04:00

I'm gaining more fauth by the day.

that i'll make it through this
that i'll become a better person because of it
that i'll be stronger
that i'll take less bullshit from others
that i'll learn to make it on my own while I need to
that i'll make it through this.

An Update

2011-08-09T16:43:00.000-04:00

So I've been without internet for a good while now and alot of things have been happening.

I've really been learning about myself and about the friends i've had for nearly a year now.
I'm trying to weed through all the shit in my life and keep focus on the good things.

In 9 days, Charles will have been in jail for two months.
TWO MONTHS!
that's a long freakin' time.
I go to visit him every weekend though and I've gotten to the point where I really love my jail visits
I talk with all the regulars and the guy behind the window always gives me shit because he recognizes me.

I've made some new friends, caught back up with some older ones, and let a few go.
I'm making progress for myself and learning what it's like to be alone.

I miss Charles everyday, but it's getting easier to live.
I miss my baby, too.

I'm finally equipped with a library card, so hopefully i'll be able to get back on the blogging track.

A Rant About Temporary Love

2011-07-14T10:41:00.001-04:00

I apologize, but I need to bitch.

I need to bitch about love.
No one takes it seriously.

I hate to talk about other people, but I think this is a really solid example that makes me absolutely sick.

There's this guy I know, lets call him Jason.

Well Jason dated this girl (lets call her Kara) for two or so years off and on. He asked her to marry her and she said yes.

Then Jason and Kara broke up. Jason started dating a new girl (lets call her Kim).
Jason and Kim were dating for a few months and next thing I knew THEY were engaged.
Then, (here's the big twist) Kara found out she was knocked up with Jason's baby and him and Kim were history. So Jason and Kara are now, once again engaged (seemingly off and on from fb. They're trying to work it out for the baby, I suppose).

Now Kim is supposedly over Jason and with this new guy (Lets call him Ben). Ben is apparently her best friend. Ben and Kim have been dating for two weeks, and apparently they are already engaged. The wedding is set for 3 months after they began dating. This is 2 and a half months away.

Let me remind you, these are supposed adults. Age 18 and older, all graduated from highschool.

Does anyone else just find this completely fucking twisted?
It makes me sick.

Then and Now. Day and Night.

2011-07-14T09:29:00.000-04:00

I used to hate the idea of sleeping the entire day away.
I had a terribly time trying to sleep when the sun was shining.
I liked to be up at 7am so I could go runnning.
I liked to do things and enjoy the daylight.

I don't care anymore.

Now, I enjoy 3am because it's quiet and there's no one to stare.
I love going to bed when the rest of the world is waking up and being awake when the world is asleep.
I enjoy being up at 7am because everyone is still sleeping.
I enjoy waking up at 5pm because everyone's already made their plans for the evening, and I'm not part of them.
I enjoy being a part of the minority.

We're Just Two Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl

2011-07-13T19:19:00.002-04:00

Today is the day we would've found out if our beautiful little baby
would be a Kayden or Cadence.

You were so excited for that.
You were looking forward to it.
You joked that I was teasing you when I talked about it.

I wish baby Kay was here.
I wish you were here.

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.

How to Measure Love.

2011-07-13T00:20:00.000-04:00

I think relationships aren't so much measured in time as in the things they endure.

Charles and I have been dating for nearly a year and a half, and we're so close not because we've been together for that amount of time, but because of all the things we've been through and all the things we've done together.

I wish I could remember all the conversations we had when we went to El Tap.
I wish I could remember...
all the long walks home
all the random adventures we had
all the times we went out to take pictures
all the times we went and got iced coffee
all the times we came in late and snuck through the front door
all the hours we spent talking when we were laying in bed because we couldn't sleep.

Love in measured in the things you do, not the time you have.

My dream

2011-07-12T18:04:00.000-04:00

There was a tornado.

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums.

Then I was stealing a car from some asian guy.

To dream that you are a thief, suggests that you are afraid of losing what you have.

There was a two way road
the right side is a lake with bears and all sorts of crazy monster things.
that's where he dumped my car was after I stole his.

To see a lake in your dream, signifies your emotional state of mind. If the lake is disturbed, then you may be going through some emotional turmoil.

That lake was definitely disturbed.
Then I killed him. Both him and the person my partner stole another car from.

Killing
To dream that you kill someone, indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control

Boy, that was a weird dream. I'm not even sure why we had to steal the cars in the first place.

Evil Ex's

2011-07-11T23:47:00.000-04:00

I hate ex-girlfriends.
Ex-girlfriends freak me out.

It's actually really just been with my last two boyfriends.

The previous one, his previous girlfriend was his first everything, practically. She was perfect up until the moment she ripped his heart out and stomped on it. I never asked him her name and I never asked him to talk about her no matter how much I wanted to know.

This time--It's far worse. We started off trying to fix ourselves, not eachother. When we found out we could fix what was going on with our own life, we decided to put the two together and see what we could make of it. Nearly a year and a half later, here I am still furious that your ex exists. Her number isn't in your phone. He's not even here for her to try to get with anymore, not that it's incredibly likely she still wants him that way. I'm just...angry that she exists. Angry that she keeps running into my life no matter how much I try to push her away. We've been through so much more, I know things aren't the same but those words about her still hang in my head. "We just clicked in a way I don't think I can with anyone else." I don't have the heart to ask him if he still believes it. Maybe I do, I just...think he would lie to save us. No point in ruining something good. I don't like her, never really had a like for her. I don't think she's attractive and ever since I've known she kissed him, the very thought of her makes me sick.

Note to self: Jealousy blows.

Time to kick ass

2011-07-11T23:17:00.001-04:00

Well my internet is going to be disconnected within the week, so I guess it's time to start this improvement period.

Time to get some creativity in my system
and learn how to kick ass at first person shooter games.

Children Get Older. I'm getting Older, too.

2011-07-11T13:23:00.000-04:00

I've been camping for the past three days.

I like camping. It gives you a break from everyone and everything.There's no service and at night there's nothing but you and your thoughts. I would think this would be haunting, but it really wasn't.

I went with my my mom, her fiance, and her fiance's nieces. The nieces, I really love those two.

The littlest one is 9. She's a sweetheart. She had an attatchment to me and maybe that's why I had the same to her. She made me feel like a mom, though. I had to be the one to walk her to the bathrooms and she held onto me when it was too deep to swim. It's really hard having to let her go today knowing it could very well be another month or two before I get to see her again.

Anyway, I really got time to think: about the past, about Charles, about how I'm living, and about how I'm going to live.

I'm not really sure what I got from camping this weekend. Some time to myself, some time to think. I'm not really sure I've quite got any conclusions or maybe I just haven't let myself and think about what it all means. In any case, I'm back home and I need to get back into the swing of things.

Becoming An Adult

2011-07-09T00:45:00.000-04:00

Becoming an adult is a really weird thing...

I feel like I've taken a few different steps in my life in these past two years that really made me feel "older." Now, I feel like I'm entering actually "adulthood," and frankly it's starting to scare the hell out of me.

1. I started driving and my mom didn't ask me where I was going or how long I'd be gone. This happened the summer I was 17. I tested it out first. First, just leaving to go to the store, then to a friends, then I'd stay out all night and half of the next day. When she stopped asking questions, I began to feel responsible for myself.

2. I moved out! When I moved out, I really felt like I was getting older. I hadn't quite graduated high school, but i was in college and I had already been 18 for 4 months. Moving out was a big decision and a difficult thing to do. Paying bills meant no more choice of having a job or not. Having the choice to pay bills or being homeless will make you grow up real quick.

3. Getting Pregnant. When you're pregnant, you become responsible for two people instead of just one. When I first found out I was pregnant, I refused to tell my mom. This meant that I had to go get it confirmed with one of my dearest friends. This meant I had to deal with getting pregnancy insurance by myself. Charles went with me to hospital visits, but I lacked anyone that had personal experience with being pregnant.

4. Graduating High School. All of these things occured before I graduated high school. I didn't think doing that would feel like such an impact, but it really did. I feel like an all different kind of person now that I stay up all night and sleep all day to keep up with work instead of school.

5. Sitting with the Adults. When you sit with the adults and talk about how psycho teenagers are instead of hanging out with the teenagers.

6. When the parents say they got rid of you and then you came back. It's funny when you move out because you can't stand your parents and then you really start to miss them. I think I spend more time at my mom's now than I ever did when I actually lived there. My mom and I have long conversations and we play cards and talk about kids. I go over there for dinner and we have a pretty good time. I think some of this is due to the fact that I don't have Charles to listen to everything I say anymore, too.

Carpe Diem.

2011-07-08T01:04:00.000-04:00

You've been gone three weeks now. Three weeks! That's not a happy exclamation, not in the slightest. It's been three weeks since you were taken. It's been six weeks since our baby was taken as well. In 9 days, It will be a whole month since you last slept in bed with me. It's 16 months and 3 days since you decided to take that leap of faith and give me a chance.

I was wondering about that last night...
I was wondering what let you finally kiss me.
Was it just the thought of "Why not? What the hell do I have to lose?"
I bet it was, but I don't mind.
If I could've seen us now...I would've thought I was surely seeing wrong.

The day after we first kissed.

Carpe Diem.

That's what they say: "sieze the day." You know, like the Avenged Sevenfold song: "Sieze the day or die regretting the time you lost." I'm considering getting this tattoo directly under my Bee tattoo. I've thought about getting a Carpe Diem tattoo several times, but it seemed to overdone. Now that things are kind of happening without giving me time to first appreciate what I've gone (Alanis Morissette: "I have no concept of time other than it is flying"). Carpe Diem. I should've enjoyed my days more when I was pregnant. I thought I'd have plenty of time to enjoy it considering I figured I'd be in the state for 9 months. Whenever I knew what was happening, I knew I hadn't appreciated it enough and I was going to lose it before I even got the chance to. I remember seeing that strong little heartbeat on my first ultrasound, I could not have fallen anymore in love at that point.

I'm also considering placing it below my bee tattoo for 2 reasons. 1. They made it a little too high, so i'd like something under it. 2. See previous Blog: "Bee--It's not me" Although the Bee doesn't really define me as a person anymore, it's part of me what I hold dear and the memories of my schoolyears that I cherish.

I rarely took for granted my time with Charles. He liked staying up late and I liked waking up early. When I worked, we worked different schedules. When I didn't work, he was too busy working all the time trying to keep us afloat. I always wanted to see him because I was never able to get enough of him.

Self-Discovery

2011-07-06T20:06:00.000-04:00

I'm realizing this blog has become alot about my own self-discovery. At first, I thought I was writing to keep people in the loop. I don't talk much anymore, especially about what's going on in my head, so I figured I'd let people who were interested know what was going on via blog. The more I started writing, I realized I was doing it more for myself. I've never been good with words, (you should have seen me during Public Speaking. It was embarassing) so when I write the right things just seem to come out more often (maybe it's that glorious backspace button).

My thoughts on being alone:
Being alone is a strange thing for me, then again, maybe it is for everyone. Growing up, I had friends, but I never had alot of them. Being an only child, I spent most of my time alone. Not until my 8th grade year did I become somewhat of a social butterfly. I began to love being around big groups of people and being emersed in something that wasn't all mine. I've always had a boyfriend to take up my time, even if he wasn't my very favorite person he was always a person to fall back on when everyone else let me down. Now, my boyfriend is gone, but he's still my number 1. However, I don't get to fall back on him so much now. When I'm lonely, I can't go to him. I don't want to be with anyone else that isn't my primary person, though. It doesn't feel right, especially with the way I feel about Charles. I hate being alone, too. It makes me feel tired and without purpose. I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone. This...is lame. I'll stick with being alone for now.

My Concept of Time:
I have a terribly concept of time or at least I always thought I did. If an event happened, I couldn't tell you the month and if it was more than a year ago, the year. Charles always made me laugh when he told me I had a great concept of time, but I guess he was sort of right. I don't really measure time by the hours, months, or years. I seem to measure it by events (so that's how seasons of love originated). If someone asked me something I could tell you "Oh, that's when I was dating so and so" or "that was when so and so and I did this." I like measuring time that way, it doesn't make me feel so trapped in the clock. I can't believe how quickly life is passing me by.

My Thoughts on Discovering Myself:
Since Charles is gone and my internet will be disconnected sometime in the next 2 weeks, I believe, I'm working on doing some self-discovery. I want to learn about myself through writing and primarily drawing. I want to learn to kick ass at some first person shooter games so I can be the girl that can game with the guys. I want to stay up all night listening the radio and teaching myself to sing again. I want to take time to do all the things I enjoy that I haven't really taken the time to do in a long time. I want to learn to put my all into everything and not half-ass things anymore.

My Thoughts on Self-Portraits:
I've done alot of self-portraits since I started drawing again in the last year. I'm going to post a few of them on here and give the round-about time of the drawing. I like doing self-portraits because they help me find out sort of how I view myself at the time.

October 2010

November 2010

December 2010

January 2011

February 2011

June 2011

A New Perspective.

2011-07-06T09:19:00.000-04:00

I really enjoy drawing. Honestly, it's something I hold very dear. If I'm drawing, I can take things in my head and actually put them on paper without it being all mixed and jumbled like words seem to do. I recently decided to start putting my own take on some portraits and just trying out some new art styles to see what I can really get into. I like to take things I see and put my own flair to them.

This second one wasn't so much of a portrait as sort of introducing myself to the style.

My good friend saw the first photo comparison and asked me to do a drawing of her and her boyfriend from a photo she gave me. I'm actually really excited and up for the challenge. I'll probably spend most of my waking time tomorrow (urm..today? Who knows, I'm passing out soon) working on this project. She gave me four of those photo booth pictures and told me to use whichever one I want. I think I'm going to try to do all four and try some different things with them and she can have whichever one she likes (as long as she promises to hang it somewhere special, like the fridge). I'll most likely post the final pictures on here when it's all over and done with.

Thoughts For the Child I Lost

2011-07-06T01:14:00.000-04:00

I found this online today and it really hit home for me. Unfortunately, I cannot find an original author, but I felt the need to share it for others who have been in this situation. I also wanted to put it in a place that I knew I could always come back to it.

Thoughts For the Child I Lost
There might come a day in the future
When I don't think about you constantly,
Wonder what you would have looked like,
What color your hair would have been,
And how your smile might have looked.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I don't wonder what I did wrong.
When I won't blame myself.
When the sharp blade of pain will become dull.
Wehn I can accept this as meant to be.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I carry another child
And though I love him beyond measure
And though I will hold him a little tighter,
And though he will be my child,
He won't be you.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I am happy again.
When I can let go.
When I can look at another baby without aching for you.
But it won't be today.

I also want to once again post this photo, because I can't seem to look at it enough. This was the last photo of my baby I got at roughly 10 weeks.

and a picture of a forget me not flower for, i hope, obvious reasons.

That heart in your stomach feeling

2011-07-06T00:27:00.000-04:00

I've got that heart in your stomach feeling.

You know the one I'm talking about, that sick to your stomach one. It happens when...

you're about to go in for an interview.
someone just almost totalled your car
the police sirens flip on behind you
you wake up the next morning after a bad break-up

I've got that feeling in my stomach. It's got one of two causes, or maybe it's just a combination of the two.

1. Work. I just got called into work. As of tomorrow, I'll officially have been working there a week. However, with it being fourth of July weekend, I didn't get a whole lot of training in. Mostly it was a crash course in "this is how you do this, now go do it." The last day I worked was Sunday and the was the first kind of chill day someone was actually able to tell me something. Tonight, however, I'm going in all alone. The only people that work alone are night shift people, but I'm not sure I'm completely prepared. I'm doing it because the person I'm covering for is going to the zoo with his wife and daughter tomorrow and he needs some sleep. I don't blame him, but I'm terrified. I really hope I don't screw this up, so a few good lucks and thumbs up would seriously help.

2. Charles. Gosh, I really really reallyxabout 6 zillion miss him. I'm starting to hide out now. I want to fall into my drawing and video games and blogging and just forget about the rest. This new job is sort of messing with my head because it's been so long since I've worked and my very lifeline is this. I miss Charles every day; it's so hard not to lose myself in thinking about him. I really don't know what I'll do if he's not out by the end of the year. It's been nearly 3 weeks now and it sucks so damn much.

I'm awake, you're still sleeping. The sun will rise like yesterday
Everything that we are now is everything we can't let go or its gone forever, far away
I hope tomorrow is like today. Don't you go away tomorrow.
I don't think I could handle that
You're probably dreaming that you're flying on then you start to fall
But then you rise and shine forever
Don't go away
I hope tomorrow is like today.

I posted these lyrics to Charles's facebook wall 12 days before he was arrested. I loved them then, but now they hold a whole new meaning. I'm so scared to lose everything we've worked so hard to get. I never thought we'd be seperated and get so lost in this mess. I have to wonder that if we had moved into the Monroe apartments if things would be anything like they are now. I'd like to imagine they would be so that I don't have to go through that whole "what if.." scenario, but I just can't bring myself to believe it.

To my old friends, current family, and future self.

2011-07-04T05:47:00.000-04:00

It's 4:30am. whoa! wait a minute! It's 4:30am? I was supposed to pass out like 3 and a half hours ago. Hopefully work doesn't try to call me in before noon because I'll be sleeping like a rock.

Anyway, I've been really wrapped up in my own life lately that I forgot to take a step back and look at everyone else's. I really miss...all the memories I have. I really want to talk about a few of them and maybe just get some things off of my chest.

To my very best middle school friends: I'm so sorry we drifted apart. We used to be inseperable. I thought we always would be. You guys always kept tabs on eachother, you guys stayed close because God kept you close. I'm sorry I left in such a rush and I'm sorry that I've probably let down all the dreams of fun things we would do together.

To my family: I don't know what anyone thinks of me anymore, but I want everyone to know that I wouldn't a single thing back.

To me:

Things are really chaotic. Every day is a struggle, but I know you'll make it through. You went through a perdiod of always saying that: "I'll figure it out." The funny thing was, when you started saying that, you always did figure some sort of solution out. I hope thats how you work things out right now. You'll figure it out. Things won't be easy for quite awhile, now. You really have no idea what is going to happen or how things are going to happen, but the most you can do is hope for the best and take things as they come. Don't give up.

(I'm going to recieve this e-mail on September 1st: Charles' birthday via http://www.futureme.org/ )

It's been a long time since I've seen a sunny day.

2011-07-03T16:49:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I've seen your smiling face.

It's been a long time since I've seen a sunny day.

My blog is turning into somewhat of a dream journal lately, but I always feel the need to write these sort of things down and I know online is the only place I won't lose them. Maybe it's partly that and partly that I'm hoping someone else will give some sort of explanation to my dreams other than what I get out of them.

I don't really recall too much about my dream last night. I do remember waking up in a sort of cave and having no idea where I was. Everything was so distorted. People had square heads and some of them were cartoonized. I knew someone must have drugged me. That's what the whole dream became about. Drugs and finding people I didn't know and manipulating others to get what I wanted. Regular humans tried coming into this cave sometimes and all I knew is they weren't allowed in. Once, I chased one out like I was a wild animal.

To dream that you are lost in the darkness, denotes feelings of desperation, depression, or insecurity.

This is how it was in the begining.
To see or dream that you are in a cave, symbolizes the womb and thus signifies refuge, protection and concealment.

I think this part actually kind of makes sense. The cave is my apartment. Charles has been gone for 17 days now and this is our cave. This was our safe space where no one could get us. It was our place to get away from the world. Chasing someone out of my cave makes perfect sense too since I'm so protective over all of his things since he's gone.

To dream that darkness comes upon you, signifies failure in some work that you are attempting. Darkness is synonymous with ignorance, the unconscious, evil, death, and fear of the unknown.

I've failed my family and I have no idea what will happen between Charles and I. I'm not ready to start over, again.

To dream that you have been drugged, indicates that you are refusing to take responsibility for your actions.

Yeah, maybe that's true, too.

One day at a time...

2011-07-03T11:30:00.000-04:00

One day at a time is going to overwhelm me...once I get to the day I can't handle. It's going to give me a shock when I realize that everything and everyone around me has altered and I've just been sitting here trying to deal with it all.

I hope the first letter is one of many. I hope we still talk about eachother and not our lives. I hope this doesn't fall apart.

I'm feeling really really terrible today. I don't want things to chance for once.

A love letter from afar

2011-07-01T02:03:00.000-04:00

To my dearest,

I hope you aren't sick with worry as I am. I think about you day and night without interruption. I fear that when I [get home] you'll be begging me to be less "touchy feely" for a change. I find myself rambling on like am now to my friends about you. It's true what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder. Hmph, it's unbelievably aggravating. I'd say you have no idea, but I hope you do. I hope [it won't be] much longer until I'm with you again. Expect to be smothered when we reunite. I love you more than I even knew, baby. [I] now know I want you to bear my children. We'll have a family together, love, provided you still feel the same about it and me. We'll move to Colorado or a big city, whatever you want. I just want us to be happy together and live about the rest of our days. I'm doing okay and still thinking about you. Take care of yourself and I'll try to do the same. I love you so much. I hope to see you soon.

The Missing Shoe

2011-07-01T01:36:00.000-04:00

I had a strange dream last night. I've been having strange dreams these past two weeks, but this was different. All of my other dreams have made at least a little bit of sense without looking into them. I've had dreams about Charles leaving me. I've had dreams where the cops came back for me, where i was sitting in jail. I've had dreams that I gave into smoking again. I've had dreams that the cops caught me smoking again. I've had dreams about having crazy parties and getting caught. Everything...everything up until now has made at least a little bit of sense. Definitely not things that would likely happen, but still things that made at least a little sense for the situation I'm currently in.

Last night, I had a dream though. It was so bizarre. I went and bought 4 grams of pot because I was going to smoke that and be done. I went...somewhere out in the country. I couldn't tell you exactly where, but I fell asleep on the kitchen floor there. I woke up and one of my shoes was gone. I already knew someone had taken it. I walked outside and some chick (I originally typed bitch, and I usually only use the term "some bitch" when it's someone I really despise. One person comes to mind, but using names isn't nice and that girl wasn't the girl in my dream) had my shoe. One strange thing about this is that it wasn't a show I have ever worn...I couldn't even tell you what kind of shoe it was, just that they were red high tops. I'm not sure why her taking my shoe made me so very angry, but it did. Her and Adam hopped into a truck and ran off.

I'm not sure how I found them after that, but I did. They were at the home of the teacher I used to cadet teach for. His kids were there, but for some reason I just didn't care. That bitch was there, and I was furious that she had taken my shoe while I was sleeping (when I woke, I realized I never once gave a shit whether someone had taken my pot while I was sleeping). Her and I duked it out. I got in some damn good punches and so did she. I remember pinning her up against a wall and just beating the shit out of her. I remember bashing her in the face and her falling to the ground, too. I don't remember her hitting me at all, but I know she did. In fact, I remember it being a pretty even fight. I'm not really even sure who won. I don't know if the dream just ended or if my alarm clock ruined the ending.

In any case, when I woke up, I couldn't quit thinking about it. I'm not a violent person, nor have I ever been. I've never been in a fight and I can only think of two situations where I've even been close to that angry and they were both very serious situations. I couldn't get past that. It stood out to me that I was so pissed at this chick for taking my shoe. I'm still not sure if I completely buy into this "dream meaning" thing, but when I look things up, they seem to fit. Then again, it's not hard to make things fit, like daily zodiac stuff. Dreams may be a little different. Anyway, when I got on http://www.dreamoods.com/, I searched for shoe. I didn't find anything too specific, but this is the closest I could find.

In general, shoes represent your approach to life. Wearing shoes in your dream, suggests that you are well-grounded or down to earth.It also represents your convictions about your beliefs. If you are changing your shoes, then it refers to your changing roles. You are taking a new approach to life.

Obviously, my approach to life has changed a good bit. I wanted to move out on my own and make it with someone, even if it was a friend. I didn't want to live alone. Being alone scares the living hell out of me, usually. Sometimes, I wish I still lived with my mom now that Charles is gone. As for being well grounded, maybe one of my shoes being stolen means this: I was well grounded and then someone just came and sort of ripped that away from me without warning or anything. I think only one of my shoes were gone because I haven't completely lost grip. Thanks to the help of some good friends, I've been able to keep sane. I'm trying my best to keep optimistic about all of this and I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground instead of completely losing it and falling into a place I don't want to be. I didn't really change shoes, but a shoe was gone. I think that sort of means that things are changing even though I'm trying to keep them the same. The shoe was stolen, I had no option about it all.

To dream that your shoelaces are untied, indicate that you are unprepared for some task at hand.

My dream had nothing to do with shoelaces, but I think the same rules apply if my shoe is completely gone. I'm unprepared to walk the path that I need to.

If this meaning stuff is real, it makes alot of sense why I was so angry. I am angry. It's my fault, but my life really was ripped away from me. I'm not going to blame it on anyone else or anything. My life, my decisions, but I've always been a person to act without thinking of consequences. That's why me and my friends stayed the night with a random guy in a town we stumbled into even though he could've killed every single one of us while we were sleeping. That's part of the fun.

It's like jumping off of a big cliff into the water below. You never really know if it's safe. You could forget how to swim. You could lose yourself in the darkness and start swimming down instead of up. You could lose all your air and have to breathe in the water. You could hit rocks, lose conciousness. Anything could bring you to death in an instance, but hey, the risk is always half of the fun. I'm actually not sure that applies in this case, but in life it usually does. In any case, I think i've made sense of it all...or well, the important parts.

Our Time Together (photo edition)

2011-06-30T16:09:00.000-04:00

I just recovered some old photos of Charles and I over the past year or so. I'm primarily posting them on here because I like to see how much we've changed as a reminder of how much we've been through. Sadly, the pictures after October are a far in between, but that's because my camera quit working shortly after that. My graduation picture was taken by a family member.

February 2010

May 2010

June 2010

Summer 2010

June 2010

Summer 2010

July 2010

August 2010

Autumn 2010

Septemeber or October 2010

My car, Marla.

Autumn 2010

My birthday! Oct. 26, 2010

Halloween 2010

New Years 2011

Graduation.

Letters

2011-06-30T07:58:00.000-04:00

It's difficult not to write you every single day. The first week you were gone I struggled to find a way to find stamps and envelopes as cheap as possible. Stamps I had to pay for, but friends were happy to give me envelopes.

I wrote the first letter on a Sunday after I read the letter you got to me. I drove to the post office Monday morning to get stamps and send my letter. Monday night, I kept myself busy with friends. Tuesday, I still had more to say. I always have more to say to you. We never once ran out of words with eachother. Tuesday night I wrote my second letter. Wednesday, I walked my happy ass to the post office as soon as I woke up to send my letter to you. It was definitely worth it. It's Thursday now. I just worked a 9 hour shift (11:30pm to 6:30am) and I have to be back at 5:00pm. I'm staying up to write another letter to you to tell you how everything went.

I really want to find a "wish you were here" card, because I really really wish he was here.

This is what it is like to fall into darker days.

2011-06-29T22:04:00.000-04:00

Do you want to know what it's like...to sense me sink into darker days?

Flowers
the sweet, intoxicating scent

alters into a terrible stench
nothing but distaste fills your nose
This is what is smells like when the seas begin to drown me again.

Losing oxygen
when your lungs gasp for any oxygen they can get

but no sweet air would dare fill you up

You are in the holds of something you cannot fight

This is what is feels like when the seas begin to drown me again.

Demons
whispering in your ear,

telling you to give in, give up
that this is the final straw, you're through
This is what is sounds like when the seas begin to drown me again.

the starry night
becomes a black abbys
All the lovely things seem to wilt away

the world loses color and nothing holds beauty

This is what is looks like when the seas begin to drown me again.

This is what it is like...to fall into darker days.

Optimism and losing it.

2011-06-29T21:40:00.000-04:00

Optimism is a bizarre thing for me. I'm not sure if this is how it is for everyone else. Often enough, I'm the optimistic one of the group. My optimism rarely falters actually. Only when I am brought down by everything around me does my pessimism kick in. When it kicks in though, it does not go away. Pessimism overtakes my life. I can't find the light in anything. It's not easy to make me lose it, but when I do, it takes everything to get back.

I feel really accomplished. Tonight is my first night of work after being out of a job for nearly 3 months and I've lost 5 pounds this week. :) Being broke and having to walk everywhere is paying off!

I can't find my way home

2011-06-29T14:59:00.000-04:00

I'm here to tell you...

There are only so many words
that you can arrange together
cluster after cluster
and still make it sound poetic.

Today, I'm here to tell you
that i'm running out of words
far quicker than i had imagined.

If you want to know the truth
it's that i'm in a rut
i'm spiralling down into a pit
that i escaped long ago.

I'm just here to tell you
that I feel like Dorothy
because i can't find my way home

and i'm running out of ways to tell you
Speaking to you is like
speaking to a brick wall
it won't do you one little bit of good
there's no interpretation

Somedays, I feel the need to chill out
just for a couple hours
be a little more like Stargirl
and lose myself in the cool bite of winter mornings.

I wrote this in January of 2009, but it seems to fit right now so i decided to go ahead and post it.

The Storm

2011-06-29T14:50:00.000-04:00

I don't want to fall into that dark space. Leave me be long enough and I might.
Spinning.

At least a job has found me. I'll work overnights. Good, it doesn't feel right sleeping alone at night anyway.

Bee--It's not me.

2011-06-28T16:28:00.000-04:00

I have a bee tattoo on my right side on my lower back. My nickname has been Bee for the past 6 years, nearly and many of my friends have actually gone months without knowing my birth name. They actually thought Bee was my birthname. Anyway, since I have a bee tattoo, I googled "bee tattoo" to see what some other people had gotten and my mind got to wondering. I know exactly why I have mine, but why might others have it. Going to search, I typed in "bee tattoo meaning." Here's an excerpt of what I got.

It's no surprise that the bee has been held up as a symbol of social order, diligence and cleanliness. We've all seen how they work incessantly among the flowers, pollinating and gathering honey. For many, the bee became the symbol of good, and because of its untiring work, Christians adopted it as the symbol of Hope. In France, it was recognized as the regal symbol. Napoleon had golden bees sewn into his coronation robe, and it came to symbolize family and government

Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_does_a_bee_tattoo_symbolize#ixzz1QbUBwc2x

I think it's sort of odd that none of these characteristics apply to me. Social order is not really relevent to me in most cases. Diligent, not particularly. I have to really be into something to put my all into it and really work at it. Cleanliness...Well, anyone who saw my room when I lived with my mother would laugh at this one on the spot. Good...I'm sure many would disagree with you there. I've royally screwed up some things, but I suppose I do have a positive outlook about things. Does that count? Hope? I don't know, I'm not sure I should even adress this one since I'm not really into religion. Family--from previous blogs obviously that's a touchy subject. Government--it's corrupt. That's all I can say.

Maybe I was these things when I got the nickname, but being called Bee won't change and I'll never leave it behind.

On a side note--The weight I'm finally at right now, I haven't been since 5th grade. I was also 4 inches shorter then, so this is an accomplishment! :D

Moving In and Sacred Spaces

2011-06-28T09:07:00.000-04:00

Moving in with someone is a tough thing to do. Kyle asked me the other day if maybe him, Charles, and I could all move in together when our lease went up (which is in like...7 monhs, too far away to think about) and I came up with some stuff that was always apparent to me, but I never put into words. Moving in with someone who isn't your significant other is weird. Hell, moving in with your significant other can be weird. Alot of people jump into that step too quickly. You never know whether the person your moving in with is going to be a total slob or what. You don't know if the men are going to leave the toilet seat up. You never know if the person will wash their own dishes or just leave them out on the table for other people to deal with. Living with friends means you have to make rules like "no having sex in the livingroom," because I don't want to be sitting on our cum covered couch (ewww).

I think my personal point in all of this is that I'm not sure I'd ever be able to live with anyone but Charles. Even me, Charles, plus one of our good friends that's practically over here everyday. It's partly due to all of these things and it's partly due to my selfishness. I don't like people touching my things and I don't like being outruled without good reason. At least with Charles and I, if we don't agree on something we talk it out and figure out a solution. If its us plus one, if someone is outvoted, then it usually doesn't matter what they say (even if they're completely in the right) because they have been outvoted.
_____________________________________________________________

As for sacred spaces...I miss Charles. I want him back home and our room is our sacred place. People come in and out of my livingroom and kitchen everyday. That wasn't Charles's space. Even though he hung out in here, all of his things, his presence lingers in our room. So this is a fair warning to anyone who comes into my apartment---DON'T GO INTO MY ROOM--or its very possible you will get your head bit off. I'm not usually a crazy bitch, but I'm very very touchy about his things and probably will be until he gets back. I can't stand to even see people open our door.

"My room seems wrong
The bed wont fit
I cannot seem to operate
and you my love are gone"

Be strong for me, I'll be strong for you.

2011-06-26T18:49:00.000-04:00

Things are looking a little brighter. As a "hoping for the best" situation, since it's Charles's first offense, more than likely he'll get 4 months (once they decide at his court date) and then 5 years of probation. That's not bad! I'll just be glad to have him home.

It's true what they say, you know.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I am going to try to start a fund for Charles. When he gets his bond reduction, I'm going to try to get all of his friends to donate 10 or 20 dollars to help get him out! :D His family and I are doing the best we can to raise all the money we can, but we can't do it alone. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

His Mom gave me a letter from him today. It gave me a little more hope. Things are tough right now and they will be for awhile, but in the end I can't really see myself with anyone else so i'll be right here counting the days.

Just Memories.

2011-06-24T18:47:00.000-04:00

I just want to post a few photos on here for old time's sake.

my tattoo on my 18th birthday.

Motion City Soundtrack.

Charles and I passed out at Sherinda's.

Bringing in the New Year

Winter brings us together.

before the famous IL trip with the hippie.

the functional telephone booth in Waterloo, IL.

Never getting tired of Elephant Rocks.

Swimming with some old friends.

Hanging with new friends in new places.

Then and Now.

2011-06-24T16:56:00.000-04:00

On may 26th. I graduated from highschool. I was 10 weeks, 1 day pregnant. It was such a good day. I knew than in a few weeks I would start to show. I was excited for that. My relationship with Charles was wonderful. I thought we had it all. Granted, we were going to be a family sooner than I had hoped, but I was excited none the less.

Things aren't so nice now.

4 weeks ago tomorrow, we'll have lost the baby. This is the last picture I got of him. There was a beating heart, no blood clots, and everything seemed okay. Then he was gone.

1 week ago, Charles was taken away and put in jail.

That pretty dream has all fallen apart now.

I watched the walls around me crumble.

2011-06-23T21:20:00.000-04:00

"I can't live without you."

Honestly, I'm going a little crazy. When people try to step into our room to borrow a pillow, I run in there. I curse at them and tell them not to touch a thing. I don't want people invading our space. This place was meant for us, made by us; I wasn't supposed to be here without you. It doesn't feel right without you here to occupy the same space.

"I can't breathe without you."

It's so hard. It's hard to breathe knowing we're no longer sharing the same air. It's so hard to breathe with all the crying I've been doing. It hurts so much to know your gone and things will eventually lose your touch and I'll have nothing but memories and photographs to hold on to for a long time.

"I'm dreaming about you"

Really, I keep dreaming about you. You haven't stopped invading my dreams. Any other time, i wouldn't mind. It's nearly impossible when I wake up and realize you're not there even though you should be.

If the world is still spinning
and I'm still living
It won't be right if we're not in it together.

I want everyone to know

2011-06-23T01:14:00.001-04:00

I will not give up
without a fight.

I won't be that easy to tear down.

I got 99 problems, but a bitch aint one.

and i'm sure thankful for that.

I hate to hear...

2011-06-22T23:56:00.000-04:00

I hate to hear:

that if caught trafficking more than 30 grams of pot in a school zone, it is a class A felony.
Want to know what else is a class A felony?

second degree murder and first degree robbery.

that if caught trafficking more than 30 grams of pot period, it is a class B felony.
Want to know what else is a class B felony?

Voluntary manslaughter, second degree robbery and first degree burglary.

Tonight's the night.

2011-06-22T22:14:00.000-04:00

Tonight is the last night that I can do absolutely anything. I have to go back to BP to see if i've got the job on Friday (which I have to wake up early for, ugh!). Tomorrow I don't have to be up at any particular time, I've got no plans, no time limits, no anything to stop me. I'm going to try to go out and really enjoy myself for the first time this week. I'm not going to sit cooped up in the house feeling sorry for myself.

I still feel bad trying to have fun without him.

The Sunrise.

2011-06-22T14:29:00.000-04:00

When reaching the age of 14 or 15, teenagers are supposed to stay up until 4 and 5 in the morning and not wake up until noon. That wasn't me. When I was 14 and 15, I was terrible at staying up all night. More often than not I was in bed by 11 or midnight and woke up by 6 or 7. During summer, I made a point often to set an alarm simply to wake up and watch the sunrise. There was something beautiful about it that I didn't feel like I could ever hold onto long enough.

When you get out of high school and start living in what adults always chose to call the real world, then you're supposed to start having the sort of sleep schedule I had when I was 14 and 15. You're supposed to be more wise and realize that life flies and you should try most to enjoy the little things.

I think what I enjoy more is the eerie way the moon lights up the back of the clouds, but leaves the front in darkness. That's what I was thinking about the last night him and I spent together. I find beauty, but not in the colorful things anymore.

p.s. Did you know there is a city in Florida called Sunrise?

This house is not a home--at least not without you.

2011-06-22T02:38:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking alot about the things I own lately.

Monks don't even worry about material possessions. Renunciation of material possessions is one of the most essential aspects of monastic life in all traditions, eastern and western, primitive and recent.

My first car: Marla.

I had so many good times with Marla. The first time I got pulled over was in that car, about a year ago actually. I went to Illinois in that car with my boyfriend and two good friends. We met a hippie and spent the night in his apartment watching old cartoons. I had the summer of my life in that car. I had two friends climbing on the hood while I was going 55 down a Terre du lac road making a beer run for some friends. I took every-weekend trips to Elephant Rocks and Johnson Shut-ins. We called her by name and I thought she'd be with me for a long while. Unfortunately, I took her to her end and she was never seen again. I miss her and all the memories I had with her.

My first apartment, our first apartment.

Charles and I moved into our first apartment on February 8, 2011. 1 year and 3 days after we first kissed. We had a ton of fun here. It was nice to have our own livingroom with all my drawings hanging on the walls and his swords in our bedroom. It was wonderful to have our space that no one could touch if we said so. Charles is gone now, and our apartment may be soon as well. Everything we had here will disappear in its memory.

My parents won't take me in. My almost back-up home was offered then taken back, so this may be me next.

Ironic that Charles and I spoke about being homeless the last night we were together. We talked about how homeless people should sleep in tunnel slides. We talked about what it would be like to homeless together. I told him it wouldn't be so bad as long as I was with him.

Alot of things have changed since then and I won't get that luxury.

I hope he knows how much i love him.

I need you to know that I care and I miss you.

2011-06-21T14:39:00.000-04:00

So, my life is falling apart, as I'm sure you're sick of hearing considering i'm sick of saying it.

I've barely left the house in the now 3 days I've been out of jail and I have no reason to wake up for the next 3 days. This morning, I woke up several times. I checked my phone everytime to see if anyone had texted me wanting to hang out or simply to say hello or asking how i'm holding up. That's all i wanted was a single text, but that text never came.

"I know I'll see you again whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care, and i miss you."

I promise I'll stop bitching about this soon, things just feel pretty out of hand.

I feel today could use a tad bit of humor.

2011-06-21T00:55:00.000-04:00

Boy kills a butterfly and Dad says "No butter for you." Boy kills a honeybee and Dad says "No honey for you." Mom kills a cockroach and boy says "Now, what?"

Things I Need to Hear and Things I Need to Say

2011-06-20T22:59:00.000-04:00

Things I Need to Hear

Some nice stranger bought me a pack of cigarettes. This last month has really brought me down. On March 28, God took my baby from me. Sorry to those of you who are offended by this statement, but I'm angry with him. He gave his son and took mine. Three days ago on May 17, my boyfriend and I were arrested. I was released on May 18, but his duration will be longer and not so kind. I'm too broke to pay rent, much less buy that cigarette I sincerely need right now.

The cops are not coming back for me. I can't help but look at every single cop I see and think "You ruined everything, I blame you." But everyone says, "Home is where the heart is." Well then, maybe its not so bad, because jail is my new home.
He won't fall out of love with me. Charles is going to be gone for awhile. It has been three days and I'm pretty sure I can literally feel my heart breaking in two. When people open our bedroom door, I have to yell at them and tell them to stay out. That's our space, DON'T TOUCH IT! I'm terribly afraid I won't be able to hold onto it long enough. He's going to be gone for at least three months and I need to hold on to every single little thing and hope to god things don't change so much he forgot why he loved me in the first place. Despite all the troubles, this year and a half has been the best of my life.

I won't be kicked out of my apartment. I've broken some rules, and with the huge disappointment I've been to my parents (and the fact that with a fugitive living there they would have no cop-out source of income) I'm only praying I won't be kicked out so I don't end up homeless with nothing at all to hold on to.

The World won't come tumbling down, because that is exactly what is happening right now.

Things I Need to Say

I'm so sick of girl's rambling on and on about how they "want to get their drink on." I'm so sick of people talking about how they're not white trash because they dress their kid in baby gap and hollister. They're going to grow out of that stuff, do your kid a favor and put that money toward their college fund instead. I'm sick of girls constantly bitches about how much they love their men. Good for you, keep it in your private life. What the hell would you do if social networking sites didn't exist? I'm sick of girls who constantly bitch about their boyfriends. If you're that unhappy, dump his ass. Frankly, i'm just sick of these everyday problems when i'm stuck living one day at a time when everything has been ripped away.

Jail Time at 18

2011-06-20T21:17:00.000-04:00

What was that saying everyone used to put on their pictures of themself and their best friend in highschool? I believe it was something along the lines of A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, "damn that was awesome." Well let me tell you, friends, it doesn't really work like that.

I went into jail with the most important person of my life right now. He was the one I wish we could've been sitting next to. Granted, we would've been saying something more along the lines of "man, we fucked up" but he would've been there and able to see me and that would've been enough.

I spent 24 hours in jail (actually 27 because the cops forgot to let me back out) and it was definitely an experience. When i was alone, i slept. I thought about what my parents would think, about what my friends would say, about when my boyfriend would be out. I thought about what he must be going through and what the months to come would bring. I thought about the world and how jail wasn't all that different. In jail, the world is a lot smaller and the people are alot nicer.

When they put me with more girls, we talked. Jail isn't a thing like they make it out to be. No one's trying to beat you up constantly or watch you while you pee; it's just lonely mostly. It gives you time to think and talk about all the shit you wish you would've done when you were able to make dinner for your family and go out to the bar on Saturday nights. Alot of the girls were there for either heroine or meth. Those girls spoke about how they were done with their addiction, how they were tired of not being there for their children. Others talked about how their loved ones had died and how they regretted never having the chance to say goodbye. One girl shared her instant coffee with me and even let me borrow her book so I wasn't bored out of my skull.

Anyway, my original point was that when i got out of jail and told everyone what was up, they asked if they could be associated. They hated to see me go down, but they surely weren't coming down with me.

I did have one good friend that came and picked my sorry ass up from jail the next morning and I feel the need to give her a special thank you. She's got my back.